Is Gottman Couples' Therapy Right For You?
As our lives evolve, so do our partnerships. Many couples find the early stages of a relationship to be easy, fun, and carefree but struggle to maintain the same ease and closeness as time marches on. I often hear the question: Why do romantic relationships seem to get harder the longer a couple stays together?
Without awareness and intention, it can be easy to drift away from your partner amid the bustle of daily life. Date nights slowly get replaced by working late, putting a baby to bed, or doomscrolling. The distance you feel from your partner may manifest as breakdowns in communication, frequent fighting, building resentment, or even estrangement.
When such ruptures arise, many couples seek therapy to bridge the divide. Simply setting aside time each week to nurture your relationship can be a huge step toward realigning with your partner and reestablishing emotional intimacy. But what should you look for in couples' therapy?
Many partners benefit from working with a Gottman-trained therapist. The Gottman Method is a research-based modality that emphasizes three relational domains: conflict, friendship, and shared meaning. Approaching your relationship in this holistic way means that you won't just rehash your problems every week – you'll learn how to navigate conflict, proactively strengthen your partnership, and focus on creating a meaningful life together.
Gottman-trained therapists use a roadmap called "The Sound Relationship House" to help couples build satisfying, strong, and sustainable relationships. The tenets of The Sound Relationship House are as follows:
Trust and Commitment are the "weight-bearing walls" of the relationship.
When both partners have faith that the other has their best interests at heart and are mutually committed to making the relationship work, the "construction" of the rest of the house will be meaningful and productive.
Level 1: Love Maps
Build a strong foundation with your partner by getting to know their inner world. Who was their best childhood friend? What is their greatest fear? Start this today by downloading Gottman Card Decks for free on the App Store.
Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration
It's easy to leave loving words unsaid, especially when your relationship is difficult. By making a point to tell your partner what you love and admire about them, you foster a culture of appreciation that can grow your connection.
Level 3: Turn Towards
You need to be able to count on your partner for support, comfort, and attention. Whether you're requesting a hug, sharing about your day, or just pointing out an interesting cloud, you need your partner to attune to your "bids for connection" to feel safe and seen.
Level 4: The Positive Perspective
When in crisis, many couples struggle to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If it's your partner's turn to do the dishes but they're still piled in the sink at the end of the day, try not to criticize or assume ill intent ("They're just waiting until I do them – again!"). Instead, take a positive perspective by assuming your partner's good intentions ("They've been busy all day – I'm sure they'll get to the dishes when they can.”)
Level 5: Manage Conflict
This is where most of the work takes place for most couples. When emotions run high, constructively approaching conflict can feel impossible. In therapy, you will learn how to:
Understand your partner's point of view.
Replace defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling with more constructive behaviors that foster communication.
Move from gridlock to dialogue.
Develop conflict skills, such as accepting influence and de-escalation.
Process fights intending to do better next time.
Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True
A great partnership should support your long-term goals. Making life dreams come true involves discussing each other's visions of the future and committing to helping each other achieve them.
Level 7: Create Shared Meaning
For many couples, the ultimate goal of therapy is to create a meaningful life together. By designing and engaging in rituals of connection unique to your relationship, you and your partner join in creating a unique world of your own.
Start Working With a Couples Therapist in Highland Park, CA
All relationships have seasons. If you and your partner are struggling with conflict or disconnection and are ready to dedicate time to strengthening your partnership, Our team of caring therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Speak with a couples therapist.
Grow Strong together!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and burnout related to life transitions or existing as a neurodivergent person. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Sharon Yu. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.