Many individuals blame themselves for not having a skill set with which to approach grief, or for not taking "enough" time to be present with their pain after the loss of a loved one. From a social work perspective, however, we view these struggles through a systemic lens rather than pathologizing the individual. We see feelings like self-criticism, shame, and guilt not as personal failures but as natural responses to broader societal and cultural expectations.
Read MoreAnd before we dive deeper into the topic of sex in the therapy process, I want to offer a heads-up and apologies in advance - puns are very easy to come by when talking about the topic of sex (puns intended). I use humor when talking about sex not to make light of or to dismiss the topic, but ultimately to help your system feel more comfortable and normal about talking about a ‘serious taboo’. One of my many hopes with the therapy process is to help you find a lightness and levity to any heavy stories your parts are holding, including the story of sex in your life, and sometimes that can include jokes and laughter.
Read MoreFor many of us who discover we're autistic later in life, romantic connection can feel especially intense. When someone captures our interest, we may find ourselves thinking about them constantly, replaying conversations, searching for meaning in small interactions, or imagining what a future together might look like.
Read MoreThat moment captures a dynamic many of us Asian American women grew up with: our mothers reaching for us in ways that were clunky and mismatched across a cultural and generational divide. I think that's why the Korean drama When Life Gives You Tangerines hits so many of us so hard. It shows a Korean mother's protective, sacrificing love without her ever saying "I love you."
Read MoreMany Autistic + neurotypical couples fall into a pattern where the neurotypical partner’s experience becomes the default and the Autistic partner is expected to adapt. And it makes sense; when both partners have been socialized in a world made for neurotypicals, understanding and making room for neurodiversity can be a steep learning curve.
Read Moreour tendency to see and conceptualize our experiences through the lens of two opposing sides, opinions, belief systems, etc., and the felt need to identify oneself clearly with one perspective or the other. This black-and-white framework can offer a deep sense of safety, stability, and clarity that quiets the anxiety, fear, and discomfort presented by our global realities. Yet I am also curious about how it might increase our penchant for rigidity and sameness and limit our tolerance for people, realities, and feelings different from our own.
Read MoreI remember the many years of my life succumbing to what felt like a straitjacket suffocating my ability to feel. The music that used to move me to tears was now noise. Watching films that reminded me of what it was to be human felt like a waste of time. Seeing the cute puppy video online no longer activated the usual cute-aggression tug in my heart. I felt like a shell of a person…a shade of what I used to be. With anhedonia, the world becomes flat and grey.
Read MoreLos Angeles can make building a community unusually hard. The city is spread out; we spend a lot of time in cars, and many people work alone from home. Getting together requires more planning, more driving, and more coordination than it would in a denser city. Spontaneity is harder. And if you are new to LA, you may quickly notice that many people already have established friend groups and full schedules. They may be friendly and open to newcomers, but they are not necessarily looking to build a new social world from scratch.
Read MoreIn case you’re someone skeptical about the “woo-woo,” I have good news for you. There is a lot of research on this topic. Gratitude practices are one of the most widely studied activities when it comes to emotional well-being and have been shown to improve mental health, particularly when it comes to depression and anxiety. Connecting with the feeling of gratitude releases hormones that help you feel more happy, present, and content. The best part? Gratitude is free, and asks no more of you than a few minutes of your time.
Read MoreMy clients often work with me for reasons related to their Christian faith, describing a continued stuckness after reading many Christian books in which authors propose changes or transformations that seem simple but don’t match the challenges of lived experience. Where I received my master's degree training and education - Fuller Theological Seminary - gives them hope that I can help work through this mystery.
Read MoreMany of us who discover we're autistic later in life have spent years adapting to chronic relational misattunement. When you've repeatedly been told you're "too sensitive" or "overreacting," it's easy to begin questioning your own experience. Over time, this self-doubt can make unhealthy relationship dynamics especially difficult to recognize, and even harder to leave.
Read MoreWhen I wrote about the youngest daughter back in June, we looked at how youngest daughters are often reduced to a single story - the “baby” of the family, the “distractor” to relieve conflicts in the home, or simply living in the oldest sibling’s shadows - when the reality in the therapy room is usually far more layered. In this second installment, I continue exploring the roles youngest daughters often find themselves playing: the emotional sponge, the lost child, and the "eldest" youngest daughter.
Read MoreWhen partners have very different ways of experiencing reality, they are able to broaden each other’s perspectives and deepen their own understanding of the world around them. Loving someone who thinks fundamentally differently from you brings a lot of beauty and vibrancy into your life. And for many couples, the differences between you can also bring misattunement, misunderstanding, and disconnection.
Read MoreExperiences of infidelity are a common prompting point for couples to seek therapy. In this corner of the world, infidelity tends to be imagined as a physical, sexual boundary crossing outside of the relationship, but what rupture means or looks like to any given couple can extend far beyond these narrow definitions and depends greatly on the particular shape and agreement of that partnership.
Read MoreCurrent shifts in the industry, the use of Artificial Intelligence, and the struggle to earn a living amid rising costs are just some of the major stressors that can interfere with a creative's ability to engage in their art and threaten the very identity they've built around it. These stressors can put creatives in a constant fight-or-flight state of survival. When your art and your livelihood are the same thing, the very real fears of uncertainty become obstacles not just to safety and balance, but to a sense of who you are.
Read MoreThere is nourishment in acceptance. And yet, something may still be missing. Being accepted as gay or queer is not the same as being celebrated as gay or queer. We need to be accepted for who we are, but from our caregivers and loved ones, we also need to be delighted in. As children, we need to experience our parents’ faces lighting up when they see us. As we grow into adolescents and young adults (when we typically come out) that need to be celebrated doesn’t disappear. We learn to love ourselves, in part, by witnessing others love us.
Read MoreWe see the importance of connection reflected across different therapeutic modalities. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we tend to internal relationships, bridging connections between parts and Self. In psychodynamic therapy, we connect the present moment to past experiences. In relational therapy, healing occurs in the relationship between therapist and client. In somatic therapy, we find healing through the mind-body connection.
This makes sense. Everything we know exists within a web of relationships; we are inherently relational beings. Nature-based therapy extends this web of connection even further.
Read More“If I’m not critical or harsh on myself, I will fall behind.”
As the oldest Asian sibling who grew up in Asia, I’m no stranger to this thought. In my past lives before becoming a therapist, when I worked in the entertainment and corporate worlds, I operated from this belief. And now, even in my anxious moments (therapists have bad days too!), this part of me slips into old habits because it’s the ‘safest’ way to motivate me to be better.
Read MoreWe were recognized as weird, sensitive, and anxious. As mature for our age. As intense. As “a little too much,” or maybe not quite enough. Eventually, the wounds caused by these judgments cause protective parts to emerge - engaging in constant internal work in order to appear socially fluent, emotionally attuned, and easy to be around.
All that work is called masking.
Read MoreIn contrast, youngest daughters are often thought of as spoiled, “the baby of the family,” and having it easy growing up. Although this can certainly be true, I often hear a different, more nuanced story from youngest daughters in the therapy room, and one that they have rarely had the opportunity to express. Like all of us, they carry traits with both highlights and lowlights, strengths and weaknesses, parts with gifts and burdens.
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