Unlearning Inherited Shame: A Journey Back to the Body
For much of my life, I've had parts that believed my body needed to be smaller and more disciplined. I know what it's like to feel the constant background noise of comparison and to scan photos or mirrors for proof of not-enoughness. Even as a therapist who deeply values embodiment and radical self-acceptance, I still have moments when these internalized messages show up. And I also know that when I was a very young child, I held none of these beliefs - my relationship with my body was innocent, intuitive, and free. The shame came later; it was inherited.
How Cultural Messages Become Internal Managers
As I work with clients experiencing body dysmorphia and disordered eating, I often witness how deeply rooted shame lives inside them. Shame doesn't appear out of nowhere - it is inherited, absorbed, and rehearsed in relationships, both personal and cultural. The parts of us that monitor our appearance, compare our bodies, restrict our appetites, or harshly criticize our physicality often have histories that extend beyond our individual lives.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand these parts, often referred to as managers, as protective. Their job is to keep us safe. But the question becomes: Safe from what? In our society, safety is often equated with conformity. Our managers and exiled parts are shaped by a culture steeped in anti-fatness, racism, ableism, and misogyny. They learned their beliefs from diet ads, beauty standards, comments from family members, fitness & wellness culture, and more. These parts carry burdens that are not ours, also called legacy burdens, and work tirelessly to protect us from rejection, humiliation, or perceived inadequacy.
Meet the Inner Critic: A Part Shaped by Oppression
One of the most common manifestations of inherited shame is the inner critic, a part that uses judgment to keep us in line with societal expectations. While this part may appear cruel or harsh, in IFS, we understand it as a protector, doing its best to protect us from deeper pain or rejection. The inner critic often believes that if it can shame us into compliance, we might finally be "enough" in the eyes of the world.
This part doesn't develop in a vacuum. It learns from media messages, family systems, cultural norms, and trauma. And it can sound something like:
"You need to lose weight before anyone will love you."
"You're disgusting for eating that."
"Why can't you be more disciplined?"
"No one takes you seriously because of how you look."
"You're too much-too loud, too soft, too big, too emotional."
"You'll never be accepted unless you change."
Clients often mistake this voice as truth, when in fact it's the voice of a part burdened by inherited shame. By recognizing it as a part rather than the Self, we create space for compassion, curiosity, and eventually… healing.
Self-Compassion as Resistance
It's easy to want to exile the parts that police our bodies. However, in IFS, we approach things differently. We slow down. We get curious and ask it questions so we can better understand why it does what it does.
When we bring compassion to these parts, rather than shame or frustration, we engage in a radical act of resistance. We stop reinforcing the very dynamics that trained these parts in the first place. Instead of perpetuating internal control, we offer internal care. This might sound like:
"I see you're trying to help me stay acceptable. That must be such a heavy job."
"I wonder if you're tired of scanning for flaws."
"You make so much sense, given what I've been through."
This is the heart of relational healing - helping clients experience themselves not as a project to be fixed, but as a system worthy of kindness and connection.
A Vision for Embodied Liberation
As we delve deeper into this work, something beautiful begins to happen. The parts that were once on high alert…soften. They start to trust that it's possible to belong without having to perform or contort. You may begin to experience moments, sometimes fleeting at first, of embodiment without judgment. Joy without punishment. Presence without comparison.
Sonya Renee Taylor writes, "Your body is not an apology. It is the sacred home of radical possibility." I believe this wholeheartedly - and in therapy, I see what becomes possible when shame is no longer in charge. You can begin to reclaim pleasure, take up space, say no, say yes, eat freely, move for joy, and rest unapologetically. This is body liberation, and it starts from within, but it doesn't end there.
Start working with an IFS-informed eating disorder therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
When we unburden shame, we don't just heal ourselves. We contribute to dismantling the systems that benefit
If you are ready to start building a different relationship with your body and eating, our non-pathological, trauma and attachment-informed therapists are happy to offer virtual and in-person therapy at our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
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Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, and Teen Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to experience how couples therapy can work for you!
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and women facing pregnancy and postpartum anxieties. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.