The Hidden Weight: How History Shapes the Mental Load in Interracial Relationships
In a previous blog post where I talked about the additional silent "mental load" of being in an interracial couple, I unpacked some of the micro/daily forces that add pressure to the existing burden of joining lives with someone else. However, in this post, I'd like to zoom out and examine some of the:
Systemic and historical barriers in America have contributed to the additional mental load.
My hope is that gaining a deeper understanding of history will add more perspective and empathy for yourself and your partner - that the struggles you are facing are not only caused by systemic issues beyond your individual control, but also that you are not alone in having struggled too.
On June 12, 1967, the US Supreme Court struck down the remaining anti-miscegenation laws across the nation in the landmark case Loving v. Virginia. This ruling allowed not only Richard and Mildred Loving - a white man and a black indigenous woman - to finally be lawfully and formally recognised as a married couple, but it also allowed any heterosexual couple of any racial or ethnic identity to marry each other in America. However, even though this case is undoubtedly a positive push in the direction towards equity and justice for all, there are still legal barriers for multiracial couples that add extra stress to a relationship.
When the rules and laws of a society or nation do not support your existence as a couple, you may experience increased burdensome feelings, such as shame, isolation, and hypervigilance, which can negatively impact your relationship.
An example of how legal systems impact a marriage would be the issue of immigration. A couple may choose to marry sooner than planned because their partner got suddenly fired from a job where they received visa sponsorship. Alternatively, a couple may delay divorce even if it is the best decision for themselves and others, to protect one of their partners' immigration status.
While race and racism have existed throughout history as long as we could justify 'othering' someone that looked different from us, 'race' as a concept that we use today did not exist until colonialism. During the era of colonialism in the 15th to 20th centuries, the race (pun intended) to colonize the Global South led to a realization for colonizers: to enforce colonial oppression, there needed to be "political and legal separations" to justify the colonizer's actions against the colonized (Brown, 2014). Once the definition of 'race' became a tool for preserving and asserting power for white folks, it became 'legal' to oppress non-white bodies through every facet of living. The impact ranges from science (eugenics), to language (English as default), to medicine (Western medicine compared to traditional healing practices), to countless ancient and generational ways of living that were forever altered due to colonialism.
Even though America was never formally known as a colonizing nation, it has its own legacy of oppression that was derived from European colonization. In Daniel Immerwahl's How to Hide an Empire, he writes that 'globalisation' replaced colonization, 'liberation' replaced imperialism, 'pioneers' replaced colonizers, and 'territories' replaced colonized lands. With no overt language for the continued colonization of the world, American culture became the insidious default that benefited the privileged in America. As someone who is from the multiple-times colonized nation of Malaysia, I see the legacy of colonialism in America in so many forms: from the existence of slavery and the lack of reparations, to the neglect and impoverishment of former and current territories and their people, to the erasure of education in marginalized neighbourhoods.
So, how does this all relate to couples therapy?
Macro-contexts shape who we are, from our epigenetics to our upbringing and personal beliefs.
If a couple were composed of a Filipino man and an American woman, I would not only be curious about how their gendered expectations play into their relationship, but also whether their expectations towards each other subconsciously mirror the power dynamics between the United States and the Philippines. Or suppose a multiracial queer couple were seeking to apply for asylum through marriage due to one of their immigration statuses. In that case, I'd be holding the paradox that being publicly queer in America is still not as safe as it should be, despite the legalization of gay marriage. Yet, America is a safer place to be queer than their home country because of the legacy of colonialism, where religious dogma legalized what is moral or immoral.
Not every session with me is a history lesson, nor do I usually overtly bring in macro-contexts into sessions. Instead, sharing knowledge is a form of sharing privilege, creating more room at the discussion table for those who deserve to be there but were never allowed to be.
Everyone deserves healing, and simply knowing is healing in itself.
For example, knowing that colonialism has harmed your lineage can unlock suppressed rage and grief, and feeling the emotions that have been passed down can lead to the spaciousness you've been seeking, where rage and grief used to occupy.
References:
Brown, O. (2014). Colonialism and "race." Colonialism and "Race" – Manufacturing Race. https://manufacturingrace.org/1-colonialism-and-race
Immerwahr, D. (2020). How to hide an empire: A history of the greater united states. Picador/Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Loving Day marks the anniversary of a historic court decision that legalized interracial marriage. Loving Day. (n.d.). https://lovingday.org/
Start working with an Interracial Couples Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
As couples therapists on our own journeys of decolonization, we integrate macro-contexts into sessions as a form of psychoeducation and normalization—an assurance that you're not alone, you're not at fault, and you're worthy of knowing and being known.
If you are ready to start Interracial Couples Counseling, our multicultural and culturally humble couples therapists are happy to offer virtual and in-person therapy at our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
You deserve a therapist who’s doing their own decolonization work.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy for interracial couples, we offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and Teen Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to experience how couples therapy can work for you!
Grace Chan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#142670), supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. She is trained in Brainspotting and Prepare/Enrich Premarital Counseling. She integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) with creative arts therapies to support individuals and couples in deepening their connection to themselves and each other. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.