Is Self-Compassion Self-Indulgent?
When we think of self-compassion, do we automatically associate it with self-indulgence, condoning, or even selfishness? It's a good and common question clients have asked me, and I've wrestled through it myself.
I'd like to propose some valid fears about self-compassion.
1) If I am compassionate towards myself, I may lose sight of what I think is problematic with my personality, character, behaviors, and then my chance to correct that.
2) If I am kind towards myself, I'm saying it's okay to blow up at my partner, friends, family, thus becoming THE problematic person.
3) If I give myself the validation, would I delude myself into thinking I am better than I am, lose accountability for my actions, and ultimately face rejection and abandonment from people in my life?
There are many more nuanced fears around cultivating self-compassion, and they are all worth listening to and getting deeper with. One part of therapy with me is to build self-compassion, and I'd like to propose why it is different than just having it your way and feeling good about it along the way.
1) Self-compassion isn't passive. It's an active gesture of inviting your root fears to divulge why they show up through anger, control, and anxious tendencies. It's about getting curious about "Why I do what I do" and staying with it even if answers don't come up right away.
2) It's not about sitting with yourself and letting it all go. While meditation and mindfulness are tools we often use in therapy, it's the means to tune into your physical state and trust that there's good information there about core beliefs that may have expired a long time ago.
3) It's empathy with courage. Self-compassion is hearing myself out, saying, "I get it why I'd feel guilty/resentful/petty / etc.," and gently asking myself to consider other ways of being without totally shutting out "negative" emotions or thoughts.
It's intentional and persistent work, but the benefits you'll reap will be sustainable and deeply rewarding. If you'd like to see if this approach to therapy can work for you, set up an initial call with us. We are looking forward to hearing from you!
Sharon Yu is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. As a working mom, she supports all parents to embrace their identities and choices, such as by deconstructing the value of work, staying-at-home, and working out intergenerational patterns and trauma.