Befriending Your Inner Critic as an ADHDer: A More Sustainable Path to Self-Compassion
If you have ADHD, you're probably familiar with that inner voice that seems to have an endless supply of criticism ready at a moment's notice. "You're so lazy." "Why can't you just focus?" "Everyone else has their life together except you." It can feel relentless, albeit reliable.
Some therapy approaches focus on challenging this inner critic—essentially trying to out-argue it with more reasonable thoughts. While this can be helpful to some degree, it requires sustained mental effort to ensure the "reasonable voice" consistently wins the internal debate. For those of us with ADHD and interest-based nervous systems, maintaining this kind of disciplined mental vigilance rarely makes it to the top of our priority list.
The result? That critical voice persists, often accompanied by other familiar experiences: shame and that frustrating sense of being stuck. But what if there were a gentler, more sustainable approach that works with our ADHD brains rather than against them?
A Different Path: Internal Family Systems
Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a different approach focusing on befriending rather than battling our inner critic. This therapeutic framework rests on a profound yet simple understanding: we're all born with a core Self and our own unique parts, many of which take on protective roles in response to life's challenges and traumas.
Your inner critic isn't your enemy—it's typically a very young part of you that learned criticism as a protective strategy. This part genuinely believes it's helping you avoid pain by motivating you to be "better."
How the Inner Critic Develops in ADHD
Consider these common childhood experiences for kids with ADHD:
A frustrated caregiver, not understanding how ADHD brains work, watches their child struggle with homework. When the child becomes dysregulated, the parent snaps: "You just need to try harder!" At that moment, a vulnerable part of the child might internalize: "I must be lazy because everyone keeps telling me to try harder, but I would rather be doing anything else."
An overworked teacher, stressed by an unsupportive educational system and falling test scores, keeps the ADHD child inside during recess to drill academic concepts. The child's internal takeaway: "I must be stupid because my teacher seems so worried about me not doing things right."
A neurotypical peer, confused by an ADHDer's intense enthusiasm about their latest hyperfixation, responds with "You're so weird" before walking away. The child learns: "I must not be lovable because friends don't want to be around me when I get excited."
In each scenario, instead of sitting helplessly with these painful conclusions, an inner critic emerges with what seems like a solution: "If I can just motivate you to stop being lazy, stupid, and unlovable, we can avoid this pain."
Sometimes, this strategy appears to work. The criticism occasionally motivates behavioral changes, and other parts of us might join the effort, working harder than ever. Yet somehow, it's never enough. The pain of shame continues to break through, contributing to the anxiety and depression that many ADHDers experience throughout their lives.
The IFS Approach: Curiosity Over Combat
With IFS, instead of fighting our inner critic, we approach it with genuine curiosity. We seek to understand what it's trying to accomplish, what it fears would happen if it stopped its relentless commentary, and how it first came to believe this was such an important job.
This curiosity naturally leads to compassion when we truly grasp what our critic attempts to protect. We begin to see it not as a harsh taskmaster, but as a scared part of us doing its best with limited tools and outdated information.
Through this compassionate understanding, we can help our inner critic release its strategy of criticism. This frees up tremendous energy that was previously locked in internal conflict. Instead of being driven by the fears and conclusions our young parts adopted long ago, we can access motivation that aligns with our authentic needs and interests.
A More Sustainable Path Forward
For ADHDers, this approach offers several advantages over traditional "challenge the critic" methods. It doesn't require constant vigilance or ongoing mental battles. Instead, it involves curious conversations with our inner parts—something that can be quite rewarding once we start making that inner connection.
The goal isn't to silence our inner critic entirely but to help it evolve from a harsh critic into a supportive inner ally. When our parts feel understood and valued, they're often willing to take on more helpful roles.
Start working with a Neurodivergent Affirming Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
This journey takes time and often benefits from working with an IFS-trained therapist, but the shift from fighting to befriending our inner experience can be transformative. Instead of being at war with ourselves, we can become curious explorers of our own inner landscape—a much more ADHD-friendly approach to healing and growth.
Your inner critic developed its strategies for good reasons. With patience and compassion, it can learn new ones that actually serve the person you are today. If you are ready to start working with a Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapist, our team of IFS-informed and Neurodivergent-Affirming Therapists is happy to offer virtual and in-person therapy at our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
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Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, we offer IFS Therapy, couples therapy, Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Teen Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to experience how IFS therapy can work for you, especially if you are neurodivergent!
Sabrina Bolin is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 144696), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a multiracial neurodivergent woman, she helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and creative folks relate to themselves and to the people in their lives with more compassion and greater understanding through a trauma-informed and identity-affirming lens. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.