“Catching the Bullet”: Using EFT with High-Conflict Couples
Some couples who come in for therapy identify as “high-conflict.” If this term resonates with you, your relational dynamics are likely characterized by anger, defensiveness, and contempt.
Without proper intervention, a high-conflict couple’s therapy can feel more like a battleground than a safe space for connection.
In high-conflict sessions, one of the most transformative tools I rely on from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is “catching the bullet.” This technique enables therapists to pause the couple’s cycle of conflict in real-time and redirect attention to the emotions and attachment needs underlying explosive moments.
“Catching the bullet” refers to slowing down a reactive moment -- often following one partner’s harsh criticism or angry outburst -- and helping both partners understand it as an expression of distress or emotional injury.
Rather than allowing the reactive pattern to escalate, the therapist steps in and “catches” the emotional projectile. The goal is to slow down the interaction, validate the underlying pain, and redirect attention away from the attack-defend cycle.
In high-conflict couples, “bullets” can come fast and often. For example, a partner may shout, “You’ve never cared about me!” Rather than letting the other partner defend or counterattack, I might step in and say something like:
“Let’s slow down for a moment. I’m hearing a lot of pain in that statement. Can we explore where that pain comes from before it becomes a fight?”
By “catching the bullet,” we interrupt the automatic fight-or-flight response and invite each partner to tune into their inner experience.
This technique creates a safe emotional distance, allowing partners to access and express their more vulnerable emotions, such as fears of rejection, abandonment, or worthlessness. “Catching the bullet” is particularly effective when couples have entrenched negative cycles and need help recognizing how their reactivity is part of a larger pattern, not a character flaw in either partner.
When “Catching the Bullet” Is Not Appropriate
While therapy can be incredibly healing for many couples, it is not appropriate for all situations. A key ethical and clinical consideration is the presence of interpersonal violence (IPV) -- emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse.
When one partner uses coercion, threats, intimidation, or physical violence to maintain control over the other, the safety and power balance needed for effective couple therapy is compromised. In these cases, interventions like “catching the bullet” can be ineffective and even harmful. They risk equating aggression with emotional pain and may unintentionally validate abusive behaviors.
As therapists, we screen for IPV early and regularly. If interpersonal violence is present, the appropriate course of action may include:
Referrals to individual therapy for the survivor and perpetrator
Safety planning and referrals to resources such as shelters or advocacy organizations
Delaying or reframing couple’s work until safety, accountability, and stability are established
In summary, “Catching the Bullet” is a compassionate way to intervene in the intense emotional exchanges that couples bring into therapy. It helps partners begin to see the pain underneath the blame and fosters moments of connection, even amid distress.
Start working with an EFT and IFS-informed Couples Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
Every powerful tool comes with responsibility. Therapists must assess safety and readiness for couples’ work with clarity and clinical judgment. When used wisely and in the right context, interventions like “catching the bullet” can transform not only a session but the relationship itself. Our team of couples therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
Speak with an Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) and an IFS-informed couples therapist
Move from conflict to connection
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Teen Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Sharon Yu. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.