Teens: They’re Not Kids Anymore! Navigating the Issue of Control
Adolescence is a time of individuation. As kids grow into teenagers, so grows their desire for independence and control over their lives. If you’re a parent of a teen or pre-teen, you may notice increasing conflict with your child. They might seem more defiant, more likely to talk back, and more likely to push you away. Often, this conflict lies in the tension between your child’s desire for control and your own.
For Parents
You want to be a good parent. You’re often looking for and giving advice about parenting and want to provide the care and support you wish you had during your own upbringing. But as your child enters adolescence, they will naturally begin to seek more independence from you. This requires a shift in parenting style. What worked before may not work anymore. You no longer have total control.
This can be scary. Not only is it a shift from the habits you’ve developed over the last 10+ years – it’s also a shift toward the unknown. You’ve been making decisions for your child until now, and handing them some of the reins means surrendering to the fact that you might not always agree with their choices. In fact, they might even get hurt. As a result, it can be hard to draw the line between allowing your teen independence to make their own decisions and enforcing boundaries to continue to nurture healthy growth.
If you’re experiencing this, consider how you respond to your teen’s desire for control. Parental control often comes from both love and fear—fear of the unknown, fear of your child making irreversible mistakes, and fear of losing connection. When you feel like losing control, you may become stricter, set more rules, or increase surveillance, believing it’s truly for the best. Ironically, this often backfires, leading to secrecy, dishonesty, and greater resistance from your teen.
If your teen is becoming defiant or distancing themselves, reflect on the following:
What is your relationship with control?
How does your desire for control affect your teen?
How do you imagine they feel about the control they have in their own life?
Remember, you’re learning alongside your teen. It’s okay to make mistakes. Seeing your teen as another human navigating life for the first time can help you support their well-being.
For Teens
We hear you: you’re tired. Between school, extracurriculars, family dynamics, and social pressures, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. On top of all the external factors, you are also figuring out who you are and going through extreme hormonal changes! If you’ve ever wanted to scream, “Leave me alone!” or thought, “I can’t wait to get out of this house and do what I want” – you’re not the only one. These years can feel especially difficult for so many reasons, especially as you naturally desire more independence but feel bound to others’ rules and expectations.
We’re here to tell you that your desire for independence is natural. You want to make your own choices, and that makes sense because you’re forming your identity. You want to choose how to spend your time, who to hang out with, what to wear, what to listen to... at the core, you want to feel free.
If you feel overly controlled by adults in your life, reflect on the following:
Where in my life do I have control?
Where do I not have control?
What is my relationship with control?
Where do I want more control, and why?
Remember, this stage won’t last forever. You will eventually have the freedom to craft your own life. This is a particularly difficult stage of life, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Why This is Important to Consider
For teens, feeling like they have no control can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. They may feel unheard or micromanaged, which harms their self-esteem and could lead to risky behaviors to reclaim a sense of control. Some teens may shut down entirely, withdrawing from life, while others may try so hard to please everyone that they burn out or enter adulthood not really knowing who they are.
For parents, the struggle to maintain control can cause chronic stress, feelings of failure, and a strained parent-child relationship. They may experience persistent worrying and struggle to let go, taking a toll on their own mental well-being and making it even harder to connect with their teen in a healthy way.
Finding Balance
Control isn’t inherently bad – everyone needs it in different ways. The key is balance: parents need to allow teens enough independence to grow while offering a safety net of guidance and support. For parents, this means trusting that they’ve laid a strong foundation and allowing their teen to step into their own life. For teens, it means understanding that independence comes with responsibility and that parents aren’t the enemy—they’re trying to protect the person they love most.
Tips for Parents
Compassionate Communication > Commands
Engage in open conversations with your teen. Explain your concerns while also listening to their perspective.
Set Healthy Boundaries Together
Work together to establish boundaries (e.g., curfew) that respect both safety and independence.
Allow Safe Mistakes
Let your teen experience natural consequences while offering support and guidance.
Model Emotional Regulation
Show calm, thoughtful responses to stress and conflict to set a positive example.
Start Working With a Teen Therapist in Los Angeles, CA
If you are a teenager or know a teenager who could use support through this vulnerable development period of social development, Therapy on Fig offers specialized Adolescent Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, to help you navigate this chapter more gracefully. Our therapists are experienced in providing compassionate and effective therapy to support you through these transformational times. We offer a safe space to explore your feelings, process your experiences, and work towards healthy self-expression and exploration. Our trauma-informed approach ensures you receive the support you need to navigate whatever may arise. Let us support you on your journey to being unashamedly you by following the steps below:
Reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Speak with a caring adolescent therapist.
Better understand this complex developmental period and learn tools for regulating your emotions and communicating your needs more effectively with your parent or teen.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of teens, adults, and couples. In addition to Teen Therapy in Highland Park, CA, we also offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Grief and Loss Therapy, and Couples Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, self-esteem, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your path to healing, agency, and peace.
Marina Mendes is a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (#15511) supervised by Sharon Yu, LMFT (#50028). As a mixed-race Asian American queer woman, introvert, and Highly Sensitive Person, my healing work is shaped by a deep understanding of what it means to feel "othered." I support individuals who feel misunderstood, embrace multifaceted identities, and value multicultural awareness. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.