Opening Up: The Healthy and the Risky Reasons Couples Explore Ethical Non-Monogamy
In my professional and personal life, I have noticed that more and more couples are discussing ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Whether it's polyamory, open relationships, or something in between, people are becoming increasingly curious about what it means to love outside the traditional monogamous model.
But opening a relationship isn't a simple decision—it's a deeply emotional one. The reasons why couples consider it can make a significant difference in where this path takes them. Some come in feeling hopeful and aligned. Others are overwhelmed, disconnected, and trying to fix something that's been hurting for a long time.
So let's talk about the healthy reasons couples explore ENM—and the riskier ones that can quietly unravel trust…
The Healthy Motivations: Growth, Honesty, and Emotional Expansion
Some couples open their relationship from a place of strength. They've done their emotional work, feel secure together, and want to expand—not escape.
These couples often name the following as their motivations:
Desire for Variety Without Losing Partnership: Wanting new experiences while maintaining a strong and loving bond with their partner.
Deepening Trust Through Radical Transparency: Using the vulnerability of courageous communication necessary in ENM to build even stronger trust, emotional safety, and connection.
Sexual Exploration: Wanting to explore fantasies, different kinks, or experiences that one partner might not share, while still staying connected. This can also be a motivator for bisexual individuals.
Expansion of Connection: Seeing love and intimacy as abundant rather than scarce, where they value multiple deep emotional or sexual connections.
Acknowledging Evolving Needs Over Time: Recognizing that needs and desires change, and consciously adjusting their relationship to meet evolving versions of themselves.
They see their bond as a home base, not something to discard, but something strong enough to evolve. They mutually respect one another's desires and share a sense of purpose in navigating it all.
In IFIO, this kind of exploration tends to come from Self-energy—a grounded, present-centered way of being. Partners are able to name their internal parts (such as a fearful or jealous part) without letting those parts take over. They relate with curiosity and care instead of reacting with panic or protest.
From a Gottman perspective, these couples usually have strong love maps (they know each other well), a steady rhythm of turning toward each other, and high levels of fondness and admiration. These emotional foundations allow them to explore new territory without losing one another in the process.
When Curiosity Becomes a Red Flag: Risky Reasons to Open a Relationship
Other times, the desire to open up can signal a deeper disconnect. There may be unresolved resentments, attachment wounds, or sexual mismatches that haven't been named.
If a relationship is already struggling with poor communication, broken trust, or chronic conflict, adding other partners can exacerbate the pain rather than heal it. Some riskier and more protective motivations can include:
Avoiding Conflict or Hard Conversations: Using ENM to sidestep tough emotional issues or unmet needs within the relationship.
Seeking Validation or Reassurance: One partner feels unseen or insecure and looks outside the relationship for attention, affirmation, or self-esteem boosts.
Testing the Relationship (Consciously or Unconsciously): Using ENM as a way to "test" commitment, attraction, or stability without fully naming what's happening.
"Grass is Greener" Syndrome: Feeling restless, fearful of settling, or concerned about "what else might be out there" — rather than a true desire for non-monogamy itself.
In IFIO, we often see these choices being driven by protector parts—aspects of us that jump in to manage vulnerability by seeking control, detachment, or distraction. When protectors are leading the way, we're not truly available to ourselves or our partner in ways that foster emotional safety.
From the Gottman lens, these couples may already be caught in cycles involving the four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling). Without slowing down to address these dynamics, ENM can unintentionally deepen these wounds.
The Role of Therapy: How Professionals Can Support the Journey
Therapy can be a powerful anchor during this kind of relational transition. In my work, I use Gottman tools to assess relational health and build practical skills, like managing conflict and enhancing friendship. I also use IFIO to support partners in understanding and speaking for their inner parts, especially when fears, needs, and past hurts arise.
From my perspective, ethical non-monogamy can be a space of profound connection if it's entered intentionally, not to fix something broken but to explore something new together with care and love.
As a therapist, my role is not to promote any particular relationship model, but to help partners connect with their deeper truths, communicate from their most authentic selves, and move forward with clarity and compassion.
Start working with an Ethical Non-Monogamy Couples’ therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA
Whether it’s about monogamy or non-monogamy, it’s about staying in an emotionally honest relationship with yourself and with each other that is truly sustainable. If you and your partner want to explore opening up your relationship or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) in your relationship, our team of couples therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
Speak with a couple’s therapist.
Navigate your differences with confidence!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Teen Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and women facing pregnancy and postpartum anxieties. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.