Understanding What's Behind Avoidance
Attachment theory and attachment styles have been getting a lot of attention lately. Often, people come to therapy acknowledging that they may have an avoidant attachment style and/or avoidant tendencies. Some common things I hear from these clients are:
“My partner tells me I’m distant, and it seems like I don’t care, even though I really do.”
“I tend to shy away from hard conversations; they’re just so uncomfortable I’d rather not.”
“Continuing this relationship feels scary and risky. How can I assure that it’s safe and will turn out good?”
When clients come to therapy expressing these concerns, I typically propose exploratory questions while collaborating on identifying a possible, doable next path step. For example:
1. Why does avoidance feel like the more attractive option? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t avoid it (had the hard convo, spoke up, took the risk, etc.)? Typically, most people respond with some possible “worst-case” scenarios.
Path step: Let’s walk and talk through these worst-case scenarios. Can you imagine yourself navigating through each of these scenarios? How about best-case and realistic-case scenarios?
2. Are there fears of hurting or disappointing others?
Path step: While we can’t ensure this won’t happen, can it help to explicitly name your intention with the other person? For instance, “I recognize what I’m about to share may hurt you. I want you to know that’s not my intention.”
3. Are you more of an internal processor? For example, you process your thoughts and emotions best on your own, so sharing on the spot (especially during tough conversations) feels scary.
Path step: Can you reclaim a sense of agency in this scenario? For example, asking for time and space to process, then requesting to revisit the conversation again.
4. How has (or hasn’t) healthy conflict resolution been modeled for you? For many of us, our parents did not model healthy conflict resolution in front of us. Your parents may have argued behind closed doors, but you could still hear the arguing and yelling. Perhaps you grew up witnessing one parent stifle their emotions for the sake of harmony. However, many people have not witnessed and experienced it being normal and okay to disagree and have conflict.
Path step: Can you start by giving yourself permission to feel your emotions and sometimes disagree with those around you?
While these processing questions and potential path steps are not easy, they open up the possibility of having emotionally reparative experiences. Furthermore, these emotionally reparative experiences allow us to better engage in our relationships with security and authenticity.