IFS Journaling Prompts for Holidays with Family
Photo by Manuel Chinchilla on Unsplash
Around this time of year, something that gets brought up for so many of us is our feelings around family, especially the anticipated time with (or the absence of time with) family. This, compounded with the "shoulds," to feel a certain way around the holidays can be very overwhelming. Author Sheryl Paul puts it well, writing about the unspoken but very prevalent theme of pain during the holidays,
"The rush to consume, the pressure to feel joyful, and the expectation of experiencing perfect familial bliss set against a Norman Rockwell backdrop is enough to send any human being under a gray cloud" (The Wisdom of Anxiety, p. 78).
As we enter this season and the complex web of feelings it can bring up for us around family, what would it look like to reflect on your expectations, longings, disappointments, and hopes? We must clarify what we're bringing in before we think about how we want to interact, the boundaries we may wish to set, etc.
When we get clear about what we are bringing into time with family, we can better show up for ourselves and feel empowered to engage in ways we feel proud of.
Understanding the 'what' also involves exploring our 'whys.' We might ask ourselves, "Why is it important for me to spend time with my family?" There may be multiple pieces at play here. If one aspect is tradition/ obligation, what part(s) of you value traditions, loyalty, or pleasing family?
As you identify these parts, can you ask yourself, "What feelings, expectations, or protectiveness may be showing up alongside these parts based on my past experiences?"
Family members may not support you in healing, so how can you bring compassion and nurturing to these parts? Below are a few examples:
-Does a part experiencing grief want to feel honored in some way? Is there a person, a pet, or a relationship you are being invited to grieve in this season through a ritual such as writing a letter, lighting a candle, putting out a photograph, etc.?
-Does a people-pleasing part need compassionate reassurance that it is okay to set a boundary around your time with family? Is it okay to pause before jumping immediately to a "yes?" to an all-day (or multi-day) affair?
-Does a caretaking part of you need permission to ask for help from trusted loved ones or friends as you juggle all of your responsibilities?
-Does a part of you that longs to spend more time connecting with family need to see you practically explore what that may look like?
-Does an angry part need to see you set more boundaries or consider setting expectations with family before the holidays?
As you do this reflective work, notice what else comes to mind. It's common to have mixed feelings:
→ When you open yourself up to noticing what comes up for you around this holiday season, what comes to mind?
As you journal, you notice yourself getting distracted:
Could a part of you want to avoid this noticing? If so, that's okay. There may be an opportunity to dialogue with this avoidance to hear more about its role. This time of year is historically very painful, so avoiding it altogether brings a sense of safety and protection.
As you journal, you notice yourself feeling chaotic and overwhelmed:
When clients express this, I encourage them to see what it is like to invite all of these parts to sit down at their table. Can you ask one feeling to speak at a time? What do you notice in your body as each one shows up?
Especially for those of us who may tend to brush aside our feelings or get swept up in the 'shoulds' of how we are supposed to navigate holidays and family, a reflective practice can help us slow down and tune in.
Lauren Lui, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Lauren Lui is Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. As a recovering perfectionist, she supports clients in accepting different parts of themselves by challenging assumptions around perfectionism, exploring family of origin issues, and breaking down unhelpful patterns and cycles.