Is it my Trauma or are there Real Red Flags? Insights from a Trauma Therapist
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Something I often hear from clients navigating romantic relationships is something along these lines: “How do I know if the anxieties showing up in this new relationship are coming from my past trauma?" or "If the unease I feel is because there are real red flags?” This question highlights a common challenge in relationships. Past experiences can influence how we perceive and respond to current situations.
It's essential to recognize the impact of past trauma on our present feelings and behaviors. While also evaluating the dynamics of the current relationship. Seeking support from a trauma therapist can be beneficial in sorting through these complex emotions. We here at Therapy on Fig can help you gain clarity on those emotions through Trauma Therapy in Los Angeles, CA.
Understanding What Trauma Looks Like from a Relational Therapist
If you experienced relational trauma growing up, you might find yourself wrestling with the previous question. It's natural for past experiences to shape our perceptions and responses to new relationships. It sometimes causes us to interpret normal relationship challenges as red flags. Understanding how your past experiences may be influencing your present feelings can be a crucial step in navigating relationships in a healthier way. Relational trauma can look like verbal and/or physical abuse; it can also look like:
Caregivers who are emotionally unpredictable (e.g., oscillate between being extremely angry and extremely withdrawn)
→ As an adult, this can lead to feeling responsible for your partner’s emotional state and striving to please them.
This pattern may also lead to difficulties in setting boundaries and asserting your own needs in a relationship. The focus becomes primarily on managing your partner's emotions rather than fostering a balanced and mutually supportive partnership. Working with a trauma therapist can help unravel these dynamics. Which allows you to develop healthier patterns of relating. While also building more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
Caregivers who confide in you about their relationship issues creating a sense of anxiety and confusion around how to feel about the other parent
→ As an adult, this can lead to difficulty attuning to or validating your own feelings and feeling you must caretake to be loved.
You might find yourself prioritizing others' emotions over your own. Or feeling like you must constantly care for others to be loved or accepted. This pattern can make it challenging to develop a clear sense of self and to assert your own needs in relationships. Our work together can help untangle these dynamics. Which allows you to build healthier relationship patterns based on authenticity and mutual respect.
Caregivers who withhold affection to punish and/or create a dynamic where love is conditional
→ As an adult, you feel you must be perfect to keep or attract a partner.
Kids fill in the gaps, internalizing and blaming themselves for a caregiver’s behavior and feelings (e.g., Mom is yelling at everyone and telling us how terrible we are; I must be a bad kid). As these experiences become the norm, they diminish our sense of self-trust. We start to operate from a place of woundedness and insecurity rather than wholeness. This may look like avoiding, dissociating, people-pleasing, or striving for perfection in other areas.
In your Work Towards Building Self-Trust, can you:
Explore what has caused self-trust to feel unsafe or unreliable
Can you sit with the part of yourself that fears self-trust and ask questions like: What are the unhealthy relationship dynamics that I grew up with that feel familiar? Are any of these dynamics showing up in my relationship now? By diving into these questions, you can begin to uncover the roots of your distrust in yourself. While also looking at how these patterns may be affecting your current relationships. It can also be helpful to consider how these dynamics might be impacting you. Both in your ability to trust others and to create healthy boundaries in your relationships. Self-reflection exercises can provide a supportive space to explore these issues. They can also work towards rebuilding self-trust and confidence in your relationships.
Assess if the triggered feelings are from the past or the present
An example is this: A disagreement between you and your partner brings up anxiety and fear due to growing up in a home where conflict felt very scary, so of course, this would trigger similar feelings in the present moment. In such situations, it's crucial to recognize that your emotional response is valid and rooted in past experiences. But it may not fully represent the current reality of your relationship.
Can you notice how your partner is responding to you? While they may have their own emotions coming up, do you ultimately feel listened to and heard? Do you feel dismissed, bulldozed, or ignored? Paying attention to your partner's reactions can provide insights into the dynamics of your current relationship. While also showing whether there is space for open communication and mutual understanding. This awareness can guide you in addressing any underlying issues that may be contributing to your anxieties and fears in the relationship.
Befriend the part of yourself that fears you will fall into a bad relationship
Can you ask this part of yourself what it needs from you to feel reassured you can be aware of when unhealthy dynamics are present? Maybe it needs to be reminded of the healthy friendships you’ve formed and the ‘green flags’ you see in those. Reflecting on positive experiences in your friendships can provide a contrast to the negative patterns you may have experienced in past relationships. Which can help you recognize healthy dynamics.
Perhaps it needs you to list out the red flags you know of or see these flags inform your boundaries. Creating a list of red flags based on your past experiences can serve as a reference point. Which helps identify potential warning signs in your current relationship. This exercise can empower you to establish clear boundaries. While taking proactive steps to address any concerns that may arise.
Work with a Trauma Therapist through Trauma Therapy in Los Angeles, CA Today!
If you find yourself grappling with the impact of past trauma on your current relationships, consider seeking support through Trauma Therapy in Los Angeles, CA. A compassionate trauma therapist can provide a safe and understanding environment to explore the effects of past experiences and work towards healing. Therapy on Fig offers specialized trauma therapy services aimed at helping you navigate the complexities of trauma and its influence on your relationships. Take the first step towards healing by following the steps below:
Reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Speak with a caring trauma therapist.
Work past your trauma.
Other Therapy Services Offered at Therapy on Fig in Highland Park, Los Angeles, and throughout California
At Therapy on Fig, we provide a vast array of therapy services to address the impact of trauma through Trauma Therapy in Los Angeles, Highland Park, and throughout California. We also offer other therapeutic services to address other needs such as Anxiety, Depression, and grief. Our commitment is to provide personalized and understanding care. This empowers you to embark on a transformative journey toward healing. Reach out to Therapy on Fig today to take the first step toward reclaiming your life from trauma.
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