When we make decisions on behalf of others.
Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash
What we risk when we make decisions for others.
Having great care for a friend, family member, or partner's needs and well-being can lead to compassion, understanding, and patience towards our loved ones. In addition, it can lead us to develop an awareness of stressors in our loved ones' lives that we become mindful of how we can reduce additional discomfort or stress. This can look like taking on a task that a loved one is usually responsible for or saving a conversation for when our loved one has more clarity and can be present.
Our care for others can also lead us to make decisions on behalf of others. We work tirelessly outside the limits of our mental, emotional, and physical capacity to ensure our loved ones don't experience discomfort or stress.
"If I bring this up, they'll feel sad. I don't want them to feel sad, so I won't address it. I'll be able to get over it."
"I'll just do this task myself even if I don't have time. They're already stressed as it is."
We might say these things when we care greatly for our loved one's needs and well-being and make decisions for them. We anticipate how they may react, leading us to take on responsibilities or shift our behaviors to prevent that assumed reaction. Sometimes, this has kept us safe in relationships that have caused emotional or physical harm.
What we risk when we make decisions for others.
However, in relationships with emotional and physical safety and security, what do we risk when making decisions for others?
When we make decisions for others, we risk taking on the responsibility for how others feel.
When we make decisions for others, we deny ourselves and our loved ones the opportunity to show up as who we are in the present moment.
When we make decisions for others, we create openings where resentment can build.
When we find ourselves making decisions on behalf of others, it can be helpful to:
-Check in with ourselves and ask what our intention is.
-Ask ourselves what our capacity to help is.
-Reflect on what we fear would happen if our loved ones were to experience the emotion or reaction we anticipate.
Perhaps we can check in with ourselves first and ask our loved ones for more information on the specific ways they need support.
Chris Datiles is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor. As a recovering people pleaser, he supports clients in attuning to their needs, identifying their boundaries, and unlearning old patterns so that they can enjoy their creativity without burning out.