How does IFS work with adults who have been parentified growing up?

Many of my clients describe themselves as the emotional caretaker in their families. They're often known as the responsible, the mini-adult growing up, and the ones their parents confided in and depended on. They are parentified by their caregivers/parents in that they bear the weight of ensuring the happiness of the adults around them growing up. 

Because others tend to benefit from this type of caretaking role, it is often positively reinforced by parents and others. Unfortunately, this may confuse us about why we feel stressed or unfulfilled in these relationships. We may even feel like a burden or selfish if we were ever to express our own needs. If you identify with this role in your family and are struggling with these feelings, here's a glimpse of how IFS (Internal Family Systems) can help bring insight and relief:

 How do I experience this caretaking part of myself? How do I feel towards it? 

-What thoughts and feelings come up? 

-Do you notice a physical response? 

-How long has this part of you been doing the job? 

It's common to feel judgemental or even frustrated with this part of yourself. Staying curious means gently asking these the frustrations and judgments you have towards this part of you to give you some space so you can hear your caretaker part's story. 

What is this part of me afraid will happen if it doesn't fulfill this role? 

Exploring this part's fears can help us better understand and have compassion for this part of ourselves. Because the roles we take on within our families often develop at a young age, this part of you may feel very young. Can you ask this part of you how old it is and how old it thinks you are? 

It may have the logic of a child, which is usually why it may not actually be serving you in some ways despite very strong fears like:

-If I don't do this job, it would mean abandoning my parent, and they will become depressed, leading me to feel emotionally unsafe 

-If I don't do this job of being responsible, no one else will take care of things

-If I take up space or express how I feel, I will be rejected by my friends and/or partner

What are ways I can care for myself? How can I show up for my younger self?

If we notice our core fears, we can usually find that they are not only understandable but that they have very good intentions for us. This is an opportunity to step into a re-parenting role. If this part is very young and thus stuck in the past, what does it need from you? 

-What might you be able to show about your life now to let it know you have agency and safety as an adult? 

-How can you listen to this part and validate its experience of being put in that role? 

-Is there anything this part wants to show you or make sure you understand to move forward into a new role?

Practically speaking, there may be very real repercussions within your family if you step back from or out of this role. If this is the case for you, are there internal boundaries you might be able to set or small external ones? 

Maybe this part becomes one that helps you tune into your own needs rather than overly focusing on the needs of others. Perhaps it helps you set small boundaries with parents (e.g., letting them know you can talk for x amount of time at the start of your phone call). Maybe it helps you pause to consider whether you have the emotional capacity to support a friend and give yourself permission to step away if you don't.  

Sharon Yu