Working with the Inner Critic
Photo by Aditya Vyas on Unsplash
Many clients come to therapy with an awareness of their tendency to self-blame, self-criticize, or self-sabotage. I can empathize and relate to this feeling of "never good enough" or "it's all my fault." I grew up in a predominantly Asian immigrant community, where there was an incredibly strong emphasis and value placed on achieving and succeeding. It felt like no perfect grade, solid SAT score, or academic achievement was enough to squash the feeling of "not good enough." For many of us, the tendency to self-criticize isn't limited to professional achievements; it extends to our daily social interactions, dating, and relationships with friends and family.
Some common things I hear from my clients are:
"I'm so exhausted and burnt out from trying so hard, yet it still feels like it will never be enough."
"I'm such a fool for believing I could do this. Who do I think I am?"
"I can't help but feel like this wouldn't have happened if only I was more ___ (aware, focused, controlled), or if only I was less ___ (lazy, stupid, incompetent)."
In response, I like to explore these questions with my clients:
What would happen if we could imagine this inner critic as a separate person or separate voice?
How do you feel toward it?
What does it say?
What is its intention when it shows up and speaks this way?
What is it afraid would happen if it didn't take on this role of criticizing and blaming you?
What's blaming, criticizing, and judging's job?
Asking these questions can often unearth some painful memories and critical self-beliefs taken on as a result. For example, perhaps growing up, a parent expected you to achieve a certain thing before receiving their approval, and falling short would lead to criticism and anger. This can lead to the belief, "I am only worthy when I successfully achieve. Without my achievements, I am nobody." Maybe growing up, you were punished or scolded when you accidentally broke a dish. This can lead to the belief, "I'm not allowed to make mistakes. If I make a mistake, it must mean something is wrong with me."
These are just a couple of examples, but experiences like these may have taught you the "rules" (unspoken or not) of how to survive within your household, function in your school/workplace, or navigate certain relationships. It's almost as if your inner critic shows up early to remind you of the "rules" to prevent others' failure, shame, embarrassment, or disapproval. Perhaps you must criticize yourself or catch your faults before someone else does because the feeling of "getting caught" by someone else is much scarier.
When we can understand and appreciate our inner critic's positive intention of protecting us, we can meet it with curiosity and compassion. When we discover our inner critic's origin, fears, and intentions, we can invite this part of us to imagine how it would like to let go of expired core fears/beliefs which no longer serve us. We can learn to trust that we no longer need to abandon ourselves to please others, obtain approval, or ensure survival. If you'd like to see if this approach to therapy can work for you, set up an initial call with us.
We are looking forward to hearing from you!