People Pleasers and the Responsibilities They Take On

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Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Many people come to therapy seeking relief from exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout. When meeting with my clients, I consider the possibility that these feelings may result from people-pleasing tendencies. For example, you may be a people pleaser if: 

  1. You spend a lot of time and energy thinking about other people's feelings and opinions, often to the point of "decision paralysis."

  2. You have difficulty identifying and distinguishing your own opinions because you're used to the thoughts and opinions of others taking priority.

  3. Whenever there is conflict, you blame yourself, wondering if it's because of something you said or did.

  4. Your schedule seems to always be filled with obligations that are not life-giving nor beneficial to you.

  5. You wish you didn't need to depend on others' validation to feel okay.

  6. Saying "no" feels terrible, wrong, or even impossible.

Perhaps you begin to wonder if there can be a way to say "no" without feeling guilty or give to others without feeling resentful.

What comes to mind when you think of setting healthy boundaries, honoring your emotions, or resolving conflict? Are there any fears? 

Do you think to yourself: 

  1. "If I set a boundary in this relationship, I'm afraid the other person will feel disappointed or angry."

  2. "If I bring up something bothering me, I'm afraid it will make others think negatively about me."

  3. "If I'm honest about what I think, I'm afraid it will push others away, and they will not want to be my friend."

Thinking about how our actions will impact others is a really good, but how much of what the other person feels is on me? Many of us are afraid of making others think negatively about themselves, feel bad, or act impulsively because we feel responsible for others' thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Perhaps it would be helpful to distinguish what it means to be "responsible for" versus "responsible to." At the end of the day, we are ultimately responsible for one thing: ourselves. We can not control how others feel, what they think, or respond. We are, however, responsible to:

  • Showing up in our relationships

  • Getting curious about other peoples' feelings

  • Speaking honestly and authentically

  • Using our best thinking.

We are not responsible for the outcome.

What causes us to feel responsible for other people?

Perhaps you grew up being the oldest child, and you were told from a young age that it was your job to ensure that your younger siblings wouldn't get into trouble. Maybe you were scolded by your parents for doing something that made them angry. As a result, feelings such as anger, disappointment, and sadness may have been perceived as "bad." 

When we experience others having these feelings, it makes sense that we might feel anxious or unsafe. Perhaps managing someone else's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors help relieve our own anxiety. 

How do we not feel responsible for others then? 

Get to know the different parts of you that come up when you feel responsible for someone else. Are you trying to do for others what only they can do themselves? What fears come up when you consider releasing yourself from feeling responsible for them? How can you show up in your relationships, holding onto the things you are responsible to?

Sharon Yu