What do I do if my family won't change?

You may have heard the phrase before that goes along these lines: "people go to therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won't go to therapy." This is often applicable when it comes to relationships with difficult family members; these dynamics might look like:

-Your mom becomes angry or passive-aggressive with you when you don't call her every day

-Your family role is to be an emotional caretaker for your mom or dad

-Your dad constantly criticizes the things you enjoy and the decisions you make

Many of my clients express frustration and sadness around these dynamics; I often hear, "Why can't my parents be like my friends' parents?" So here are a few things to consider:

Can I make space for grief? You may never get the apology or the change from your family you want, which can be incredibly painful. While a part of us may say it isn't productive to allow our grief to take up space, honoring this feeling is a foundational step in our journey of navigating tough family relationships because it validates why we are taking these steps.  

Are there external boundaries I can set? External or practical boundaries are those we set outwardly in our relationships; thus, these may be met with the most resistance. However, the conflict that results from boundary-setting isn't an indication that you are doing it wrong. Setting external boundaries naturally changes up any relationship, and it's normal to experience you may get some pushback at first.

E.g., Your dad has a pattern of calling you to talk trash about your mom.

External boundary: letting him know this makes you uncomfortable and is not healthy for your relationship with either parent; suggest a new topic of conversation. 

Are there internal boundaries I can set? What do we do when setting external boundaries is not possible? This can be in cases where family repeatedly disregards external boundary-setting, leading to hostility or feeling unsafe. 

E.g., Your mom says, "you never call me, you're a terrible daughter." She is not receptive when you've tried to talk this through with her, and the situation escalates.

Internal boundary: actively choosing to not internalize this criticism as true. I know it can be hard to stop our brain's automatic response to internalize this type of feedback. I encourage clients to use all-or-nothing/ blanket-statement language as a cue to pause. 

This may look like both acknowledging your mom is upset about the frequency of your phone calls and reminding yourself this does not mean you are a terrible daughter. "This is me doing the best I can, and I know it's okay to set these boundaries."  

The work of navigating complex family relationships is one that isn’t always easy but can help us feel more freed up and present in our own lives. If you'd like to see if this approach to therapy can work for you, set up an initial call with us. We are looking forward to hearing from you!

Sharon Yu