two people holding hands close up of their hands — relationship conflict Lauren Lui Psychotherapist Los Angeles

Common sources of relationship conflict and how to deal with them

We all have different perspectives on what it looks like to be in a flourishing romantic relationship. Relationship issues often come up in individual therapy, where clients have the opportunity to process feelings around the relationship and make changes in their own communication, internal regulation, etc. I often encourage clients to consider couple’s therapy as another tool to see growth in their relationship.

While conflict is inevitable in every relationship, there may be ways we can make changes to build understanding and empathy for our partner and for ourselves. Here are three common relationship issues I hear from clients and how to address them:

Fears of being a burden cause resentment to build and boil over:

I don’t want to be a burden, so I hold back but become resentful and lash out.

Maybe fears of being a burden or “too much” keep you from expressing your needs, leading to a buildup of resentment and lashing out at your partner, who may have been unaware of the issues and feels attacked. If this dynamic sounds familiar:

How can you meet this part of yourself that fears being a burden with compassion and reassurance of emotional safety in the relationship?

Maybe, this fear came about from an early age; does this part of you recognize you are now an adult and in a different relationship? How can you shift towards the belief that communicating our needs is an opportunity for connection vs. being a burden?

Unmet needs lead to assumptions about the intentions and capabilities of my partner:

When my needs aren’t met, I assume my partner is actively choosing to hurt or reject me.

When you ask to spend quality time with your partner, do you know what this means to each other? An analogy I like is this: Two people say they are hungry and agree to grab food. One person shows up with a bag of snacks, and the second, a 3-course meal. Each person has expressed hunger and is committed to eating, but their individual needs just look a bit different.

We often assume our definition of something aligns with someone else’s when in reality, it may not. Especially when we bring up “quality time,” “intimacy,” or even being “on time,” we are often hurt when the other person does not meet in our definition.

Might the hurt part of you be assuming your partner intended injury to help you cope with past pain? How can you reflect on and then clearly communicate your needs to your partner?

If the dynamic of same-word-different-meanings has built up over time, maybe you’ve started to make assumptions about your partner’s capabilities (e.g., She always has an opinion and never just lets me vent; I’ll just keep things to myself from now on). If you notice these assumptions, consider if you’ve had the definition-defining conversation. If you haven’t, maybe there is an opportunity to do so.

The same issue comes up but never seems to change:

I’m tired of bringing up the same issue over and over with no change.

Does your partner know the underlying feelings that come up for you around certain reoccurring issues?

E.g., Your partner doesn’t initiate planning accommodations for an upcoming trip.

What are you saying to them? If it’s something like, “I’m always the one to plan; you never take responsibility for things!” chances are they don’t really hear you. If/when you follow up with a request for them to research places to stay (expressing needs clearly), it might get lost in their own reaction and feelings.

In moments like this, what would it be like to tune into the feelings coming up beyond the frustration and peel back the layers?

Can you answer the question: when my partner does or doesn’t do ____, it makes me feel ___. When you dig a bit deeper, maybe it becomes clear you feel alone, not enough, unsupported, etc. This is an invitation for our partner to really understand us and conveys why the issue at hand is so important to us.