Overcoming Resentment in Your Relationship Through Therapy
Have you ever felt like your partner wasn’t making enough efforts to really understand what you need? Or perhaps you’ve been together for so long, that a part of you expects them to know by now?
Have you had moments when frustrations arise within yourself, but instead of speaking on behalf of these feelings, you close off, hoping you’ll just “get over it,” but instead finding that those frustrations fester and come out in other ways?
Have you wished your partner did things differently, whether that meant being more open with you or spending more time with you or something else entirely, and you kept getting hit with disappointment after disappointment because your wishes simply weren't coming true?
If so, your relationship might be impacted by resentment.
Resentment can slowly corrode even the strongest relationships, with bitterness, anger, and hurt seeping into the cracks and breaking apart the foundation. These often come from unmet needs or perceived slights that have gone unaddressed over time, though sometimes these feelings are connected to deeper betrayals that couples wish would remain in the past... instead, the past continues to inform the present in the most painful ways.
Whatever the cause, resentment has a way of building until it becomes a barrier between two people. This barrier blocks both partners from accessing the flow of connection, instead creating a cycle of conflict where partners are stuck in a dynamic of lashing out or retreating. This negative cycle can cloud every interaction and ultimately destroy intimacy.
If this resonates at all, you're certainly not alone.
Resentment is one of the most common issues couples face in therapy. We all crave to be truly seen, heard, and understood by our loved ones - and most especially by the person we consider to be our most intimate partner. When those needs aren't met over an extended period, we're bound to start internalizing those negative emotions we’ve been sending their way.
In fact, at a certain point, our nervous system and our protective parts kick in to try to shield our vulnerable parts from being hurt further. As counterproductive as it may seem, we will often go to extremes to avoid feeling those tender emotions of rejection or neglect again. Stonewalling, lashing out, shutting down - these are all desperate strategies meant to take care of the most vulnerable parts within us in an effort to meet those needs in whatever way they can. It all makes sense in the eyes of our protective parts who just want to keep us safe.
So if you're noticing a sense of bitterness or anger toward your partner creeping in, I invite you to give yourself grace and simply recognize what's happening within you.
Bring curiosity to your own experience and reflect honestly on the ways you might currently be avoiding those difficult conversations or vulnerable feelings:
Are you picking fights as a distraction?
Or going the opposite direction and taking a vow of silence in the other’s presence?
Do you find yourself shutting down from work later and later each day?
Or perhaps you’re zoning out as you scroll social media, choosing the familiarity of that numbness over the fear of facing your partner?
From there, the path forward is opening up a gentle dialogue about your unmet needs and the resentful feelings that have accumulated. While validating the need to protect yourself, what would it be like to experiment with speaking for the ultimate disconnection you feel inside or the fear of never being understood?
This will likely feel extremely uncomfortable at first, especially if avoidance has been the norm.
But walking through that discomfort with an attuned couples therapist creates a safe space to be radically vulnerable and finally have those needs heard by speaking on behalf of your resentment instead of letting it speak through you. You both get the opportunity to take responsibility, and make amends, and crucially, the two of you can work together to change the patterns that led to the resentment in the first place.
With that external support, together you can explore ways to build more openness, understanding, and attunement into your daily interactions. You'll learn to get a handle on those big emotional reactions that are fueled by resentment and that can be so destructive. The work isn't always easy, but it is worthwhile to overcome the resentments weighing you down and rediscover the profound intimacy you crave.
Start Addressing Relationship Challenges in Los Angeles, CA
Your relationship doesn’t need to suffer from the effects of resentment. Our team of caring therapists would be happy to offer support in navigating these struggles and help create stronger, lasting bonds. You can start your therapy journey with Therapy of Fig by following these simple steps:
Speak with a caring therapist.
Start overcoming resentment in your relationship!
Other Therapy Services Offered at Therapy on Fig in Los Angeles, Highland Park, and Throughout California
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to Couples Therapy in Highland Park, CA, we also offer Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and Grief and Loss Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Sabrina Bolin is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 144696), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a multiracial neurodivergent woman, she helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and creative folks relate to themselves and to the people in their lives with more compassion and greater understanding through a trauma-informed and identity-affirming lens. Learn more about her and the rest of our team by reaching out today!