Coping With Grief and Loss as a Couple
People often come to couples therapy for premarital counseling, working through conflict, family planning, strengthening intimacy, and exploring changes in their relationship structure such as ethical non-monogamy.
In the midst of this work, the inevitable may come—death, loss, and the grief that follows. This could be the death of a family or friend, pregnancy loss, the loss following a big move or an unexpected layoff, and the grief that emerges at witnessing and/or being impacted by violence and oppression that surrounds us.
Common Issues Couples Face with Grief and Loss
Conflicting Grief Processes
Thinking about grief from the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement gives us the framework that in the face of loss, we move back and forth between loss-oriented coping and restoration oriented coping. Loss-oriented coping focuses on reflecting on the loss and remembering what or who is no longer here, and restoration-oriented coping focuses on making sense of what your life looks like after loss. While we oscillate between both coping styles in grief, there may be moments where you and your partner’s orientations are not aligned. The partner who find themselves in loss-oriented coping might have parts of them that want to focus on remembering the departed and avoid thinking about what happens when life moves forward. The partner who is immersed in restoration-oriented coping may have parts of them that want to figure out what life looks like without the departed and may not find it helpful to spend time remembering and emotionally processing the loss. When two people find themselves at opposite ends of the dual process model, conflict can arise.
Differing Histories of Loss
We all have our own unique histories of grief, loss, and the rituals that follow. Think back to when you were a child and were faced with the loss of someone in your family, a classmate, or a notable person in your community. How did the adults in your life talk about death and the person who left this earth? What did rituals around death and loss look like? What traditions and ceremonies did they have you take part in? The ways in which our families and communities helped us move through loss as children may influence our needs and expectations of how we navigate loss as adults. Depending on your and your partner’s unique histories with loss, your needs and expectations of how to process death, loss, and the changes that follow may be aligned or may conflict with each other.
Changes in Emotional Intimacy
Grief can bring a flood of emotion. It’s common for sadness, anger, and guilt to unearth in the face of loss. If there’s a part of you that’s sad, you might not be able to attune to the part of your partner that feels angry. The part of your partner that feels guilt may not be able to be present with the part of you that carries shock and confusion. Sometimes the emotions that arise following grief can feel so overwhelming that tending to your relationship and your partner doesn’t feel possible and begins to shift the level of emotional intimacy and closeness that you experience in your relationship.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy for grief and loss is an opportunity to understand the parts of you and your partner that show up when loss occurs, and how you both are uniquely moving through the dual process model of bereavement. The dedicated space to talk about how the loss is impacting you as individuals—and how that influences your relationship dynamic and level of emotional closeness—presents you with the opportunity to get clear about what support is needed and accessible within your relationship, as well as from others.
Systems of Support
Who else surrounds you and your partner in this loss? Take some time to identify friends, families, colleagues, and their proximity to the loss. In this group, who else feels close to the pain of the loss? Who feels further away from it? Depending on the type of loss, there may be one partner who is in the center of the loss and one partner who is further away from it. Those who are further away from the pain may be people who can be called on for support so that you have more room to breathe amongst the waves of grief. Support can look like someone helping with daily tasks such as bringing a meal or helping with laundry. It can look like asking you to go for a walk or to grab a cup of coffee. What do you think would be helpful for you?
New Rituals and Ceremonies
You can begin to create your own unique rituals and ceremonies around grief —intentional acts and practices that offer a space for both meaning-making and remembering— so that you can engage in something that attends to the needs of your relationship. This can look like creating a space for remembrance/an altar, thinking about different ways to say good-bye outside of the bounds of the wake/funeral/committal process, or even spending time in a place that your departed loved or that you were hoping to take them to.
Grief can feel shattering and earth-shaking. When we have clarity and a common understanding in our relationships about who we are in the face of grief, it is more possible to be in a relationship where our grief is not minimized or silenced and can exist in its fullness.
Start Working With a Grief Counselor in Los Angeles, CA
You and your relationship deserve support in navigating the grieving process. Our team of caring therapists would be happy to provide guidance as you navigate the stress and loss of grief. You can start working to improve your relationship with Therapy of Fig by following these simple steps:
Speak with a compassionate couples therapist.
Start coping with grief in a healthier way!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, we also offer Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and couples therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
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