The Hidden Value of Conflict in Intimate Relationships

We all know conflict is an unavoidable and even healthy part of intimate relationships. Standing up for ourselves fosters self-esteem, asking for what we need improves self-efficacy and self-confidence, and learning to tolerate discomfort while speaking our truth encourages a braver and more honest connection with our partner. However, conflict provides another, deeper benefit: it reveals our subconscious stories (i.e., beliefs) that we were previously unaware of.

Take the following example: You need more space in your relationship. In past relationships (romantic or otherwise), you received the message that this need was either unacceptable or incompatible with intimate relationships. Thus began the subconscious story: “It is not okay for me to ask for space.” As a result, you may have found yourself suppressing this need internally and/or finding roundabout ways to get this need met (i.e., pushing your partner away, making up excuses for why you aren’t available, becoming defensive when your partner is asking for intimacy, etc.).

In the context of a healthy, loving relationship, addressing this need and the potential conflict therein provides an opportunity to shed light on this story and revise your previously unconscious assumption.

While you love spending time with your partner, you also need more time alone. When this need is acknowledged outright and validated by your partner, two things are revealed - one, this is a need I have been suppressing, and two, my need for space is compatible with my need for intimacy. They are not mutually exclusive. This provides an emotionally corrective experience and rewrites a story that was neither true nor helpful in the first place for both you and your partner. This shatters your negative beliefs AND increases feelings of intimacy in your relationship. It’s a win-win.

The following are some questions you can ask yourself:

What am I avoiding bringing up in my relationship because of fear of conflict?

What might I need to hear for this conflict to be “successful”?

What is my intention in initiating this conflict?

What am I afraid would happen if I stated my need?

When you clarify your needs for yourself first, there is less room for your fears to take hold. Conflict tends to be more productive and focused and shifts from something to fear to something that only brings greater depth and healing.

Sharon Yu