Understanding and Befriending Our Shame
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Shame is a compelling emotion, often residing at the core of our deepest fears and coloring many core beliefs we internalize early in life. Dr. Brene Brown, a renowned researcher focusing on shame, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” The experience of shame is all-encompassing and takes over before we even have a chance to notice what is happening. Dr. Brown also states that “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” It reverts us to a version of ourselves that often feels helpless and small, believing in our own stories about our self-worth and abilities in life.
Understanding shame as one emotion
Because shame can feel so overwhelming, our first instinct might be to avoid it. Maybe you react angrily to perceived criticism or rejection, fearing your shame will be revealed. Perhaps you shut down and withdraw yourself from the person bringing out your shame. Whatever the response, these are examples of protective mechanisms that help to shield us from our shame. However, perceiving shame as just one aspect of our emotional experience is helpful. By acknowledging that shame is one emotion, we can begin to get some space from it and observe it with curiosity rather than being consumed by it. Eventually, we can befriend our shame and get to know it better.
Shame-based beliefs
It can help to explore the origins of our shame, recognizing that it was often implanted into us without our consent or knowledge. If you experienced shaming as a child, whether overt or subtle, it may have impacted how you see yourself as an adult. Often, children are shamed at school or home for not “behaving correctly” or for “being bad” and are punished. This often causes us to internalize a feeling of “badness” and develop shame-based beliefs and narratives. Shame-based beliefs might sound like “I” ’m not good enough,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “there is something wrong with me.” These beliefs find their way into our adult lives, often causing us to sabotage our relationships and goals unconsciously.
Self-compassion and Vulnerability as an Antidote to Shame
Fostering an environment of trust and vulnerability can transform shame into something that serves us rather than sabotages us. This can occur in therapy, where, ideally, we feel safe enough to share openly about the experiences, feelings, and memories that have kept us tethered to shame. When we discover that we will not be punished or shamed again for our vulnerability, we can begin to practice compassion with these vulnerable parts of us. This can also occur in safe and loving relationships, where we can be ourselves and experience the connection we seek.