I grew up being the "easy child" and lost my playfulness
Photo by Venti Views on Unsplash
“I was always praised for being ‘so mature,’ for my age,”
“I didn’t really get to be a kid.”
“I was ‘the easy one.’”
I often hear these and similar sentiments from clients who share that they were praised for being well-behaved, mannerly, and not disruptive growing up. Sometimes, this behavior gets reinforced over time simply by well-meaning adults. Sometimes, a shared growing-up experience includes a chaotic parent or parental dynamic or a dynamic in which sibling(s) require more attention, maybe due to medical or behavioral issues. In and outside the family, when well-behaved and mature are reinforced over time by well-meaning adults through praise and/or a lack of discipline, it can cause children to associate their value with being “easy” and, by extension, not having needs and being self-sufficient.
This can bring a sense of not feeling free to engage in carefree play, heightened anxiety around making mistakes, and struggles with vulnerability. When a child’s maturity is the focus of affirmation rather than their playfulness, ability to learn from mistakes, curiosity, etc., it makes sense that these children grow up to become adults who feel paralyzed by anxiety. In working with clients who resonate with this experience as children, connecting with their inner child can be restorative and healing.
If you resonate with this experience, what would it look like to lean into that younger part of yourself? As you sit with your experience growing up:
What do you remember about praise for being “mature,” “easy,” etc.? What did it feel like to get that feedback from adults at the time?
What was the longing that this part of you carried? Was there a longing to feel free to make mistakes, to be silly, or to not worry about letting adults down?
As you listen to this part of you and the longing present for you as a child, what would it be like to approach this part of yourself with compassion and empathy?
Example: I understand how hard that was for you, and I am sorry you felt ____. I see how much you just wanted to be a kid. You were working so hard to ensure that you and everyone around you were okay. I see how exhausting that was for you.
Would it be possible to actively invite this younger part of you into your life now? One way to do this is by creating space for activity that isn’t just productive but nourishing and can help quiet anxiety around “having it all together” or being perfect. This could look like cultivating more joy and playfulness in your life through things like:
-Trying a new hobby that taps into creativity and/or silliness, like art, roller skating, playing a sport, etc.
-Reconnecting with books or media your younger self loved-Revisiting an activity younger you always wanted to do but didn’t have the opportunity to do; this could look like one of the above examples or something different
Over time, as you listen to what this young part of you longs for, you are honoring the desire to be a child and helping this younger you feel seen and accepted. There are many ways to nurture this young part, cultivating a more gentle internal voice and letting go of needing to be the one who “has it all together.”