How Relational Trauma Affects Attachment Style
What is Relational Trauma?
The word trauma is thrown around a lot these days so I want to start with an explanation of what relational trauma is. Relational trauma occurs when the people we trust most—those we look to for safety, stability, love, validation, and security—are also a source of significant psychological harm. This kind of trauma most often occurs in childhood from our caregivers but can extend into adulthood, particularly with romantic partners. It impacts how we understand love and usually causes deep mistrust in other people and their intentions. If someone you depended on failed to meet your emotional needs or consistently violated your boundaries, it probably left you feeling unsafe, unworthy, and ultimately not good enough. Now, you carry burdened beliefs about yourself and others. Relational trauma is unique because it affects our core sense of self and our ability to form secure attachments, often creating challenges that ripple throughout our lives and relationships.
Attachment Styles Rundown
Attachment styles are the emotional blueprints we carry into relationships, shaped by our earliest experiences with caregivers. There are two categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure.
A secure attachment
This develops when we feel consistently safe and valued; we trust and rely on others without fearing abandonment or rejection. Securely attached people seek emotional connection and feel confident when away from their partner.
An anxious attachment
This leaves us unsure of our worth and constantly fearing that others will leave. This can create patterns of emotional neediness and ruminating thoughts, such as, “My partner is busy tonight, so she must not want to be with me anymore.”
With an avoidant attachment
We might feel safer alone, finding it difficult to rely on others and often withdrawing emotionally to protect ourselves. “He wants too much from me, I’m better off alone.”
Disorganized attachment
This emerges when caregivers blend fear and inconsistency, which can be very confusing for a young child. This looks like an extreme need for closeness or distance with no in-between.
The behavioral patterns we get stuck in due to our attachment style are deeply rooted in our need for safety and are completely understandable responses to past pain. Our inner system is simply trying to protect us. Yet, over time, they can create barriers to the love and security we desire.
The Link Between Relational Trauma and Attachment Style Development
Relational trauma profoundly impacts how our attachment styles develop because our earliest relationships serve as the foundation for what we expect from others and, ultimately, how we adapt to protect ourselves from further pain.
Relational trauma that can lead to an anxious attachment:
Emotional unavailability
Abandonment/separation
Conditional approval
Unpredictable Attention or Affection
Did you feel you had to work hard for the love or attention of your caregiver? Did your parents divorce, or did you have a parent leave suddenly? Did you receive love only when you exhibited “good” behavior? As an adult, you probably look to others for validation and reassurance.
Relational trauma that can lead to an avoidant attachment:
Emotional neglect
Dismissed emotions
Parentification
Significant criticism
Punitive parenting
Did you receive little warmth in your childhood? Were your caregivers unresponsive when you expressed your emotions? Were you told to “stop crying” or “you’re too sensitive”? Maybe you were left to care for your younger sibling due to a physically absent parent. Emotionally withdrawing and being hyper-independent is an understandable reaction to these childhood experiences.
Relational trauma that can lead to a disorganized attachment:
Abuse
Unpredictable behavior
Role Reversal
Chronic abandonment coupled with unpredictable return
Were you physically, emotionally, or verbally abused? Did your parent constantly come to you for emotional support? Maybe your caregiver struggled with their own mental health or substance use, leading to intense mood swings. These chaotic and unsafe experiences lead you to both seek and be fearful of connection.
Recognizing the roots of your attachment style can be incredibly empowering, as it helps you get to know the different parts of you that get stuck in harmful or unhelpful cycles of behavior. My own relational trauma led me to develop an anxious attachment style where I expected hurt or rejection in any relationship I was in - not fun for myself or my partners. Through years of therapeutic and spiritual work, I now feel secure in my inner system and my outer relationships.
Start Working With a Couples Therapist in Highland Park, CA
The path to healing relational injuries is not linear, is time-intensive, and almost always requires a depth-oriented approach. However, gaining the ability to trust yourself and others is a transformative process that can bring profound peace and fulfillment. Each step toward healing strengthens your capacity to embrace vulnerability, deepen your self-worth, and experience relationships as a source of safety and joy. I invite you to take that first step. Our team of caring therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Speak with a trauma-informed couples therapist.
Foster deeper connections with your partner.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we also offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and women facing pregnancy and postpartum anxieties. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.