Generational Patterns in Asian Americans

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Photo by Anita Austvika on Unsplash

As an Asian American therapist, I'm sensitive to the reality that psychotherapy is rooted in individualism. As my clients share their stories and experiences with me, I extend an invitation to consider the possibility that some recurring feelings, beliefs, and tendencies may not come only from personal experiences. These patterns can also be passed down to us from past generations. Often, identifying generational patterns can bring a sense of validation. It can feel relieving to acknowledge "this didn't come solely from me."

Here are some common patterns I've seen while working with second-generation Asian Americans:

  1. You have memories of your mother being overbearing growing up, constantly worrying about the world being dangerous. Your mother may not have explicitly stated, "The world is dangerous," but it was implied through observing your mother's feelings, sentiments, and rules. For example, perhaps your mother felt anxious and requested that you frequently call to check in whenever you went out with a friend. Maybe your mother insisted on you choosing a career path that was stable and secure.

    Present-day pattern: Now you'd describe yourself as "risk averse" and notice a tendency to over-prepare in unfamiliar situations as a means to ensure safety and assurance.

  2. You have memories of when your parents arguing at home. Perhaps they argued behind closed doors, hoping you and your siblings wouldn't hear, but you could very much hear your parents yelling at each other. These arguments were followed by silence and/or an unassuming gathering at the dinner table like nothing happened. 

    Present-day pattern: Now you'd describe yourself as "conflict avoidant," you often feel uncomfortable, guilty, and unsure how to respond when any disagreement or conflict arises, so you just avoid it at all costs.

  3. You have memories of your parents caring for your sick, elderly grandparents. Perhaps you observed how resistant your grandparents were to receive help, often hearing them state, "I'm fine, don't trouble yourself." In Chinese, "麻煩 má fan" means inconvenient, troublesome, or burdensome. You may have grown up hearing your grandparents express not wanting to "麻煩 má fan" or inconvenience others. 

    Present-day pattern: Now you'd describe yourself as independent, and seeking and/or receiving help from others feels unnatural. There might be times when it's even difficult to identify that you need help from others. When you consider reaching out to a friend, you are afraid of being a burden to them.

The Asian diaspora is diverse, and these examples are not all-encompassing. However, whenever you notice a particular feeling, belief, energy, or tendency in yourself, it might be worth exploring if it might be a generational pattern.

Some practical questions to ask yourself:

  1. "When did I develop this feeling or belief? Or does it feel like it's just always been there?"

  2. "Who else in my family had this feeling, belief, or tendency? Do I see this in my grandparents or extended family as well?"

  3. "Is this my feeling, or is it theirs?"

I hope exploring these questions opens pathways to better understanding the origins and roots of present-day patterns and challenges. 

Sharon Yu