I Didn’t Expect To Feel This Way: Unanticipated Feelings Amidst Life Changes 

Changes, even ones we've been looking forward to, can bring up different emotions. Some of the celebratory and exciting changes might be:

You graduate from college after years of study

You get engaged to the person you love immensely

You get the dream job you've worked hard for

You start the family you always hoped you'd be able to 

When my clients share about even the happiest of changes in their lives, I hear:

- "A small part of me feels sad. I didn't expect to feel that way."

- "I feel excited but unsure. Is this normal?

- "I shouldn't have mixed feelings unless I'm doing this wrong."

Mixed emotions come with even the most joyous of shifts.

When this reality goes unacknowledged, we can feel ashamed of our fears, disorientations, grief, etc. Being curious about the different emotions in us helps us move forward.

In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, author William Bridges writes, 

"... change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. So it is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you must go through to incorporate any of those changes into your life." 

To integrate change, we must, as Bridges writes, experience transition. And so, if you find unexpected emotions showing up amidst changes, below are a few considerations to support your process.

The Cost of Saying "Yes"

If we only focus on what we have to gain, we miss the parts of us experiencing loss. Instead, we can honor our whole experience. When we say "yes," to something, we must also acknowledge that we are saying "no," to something else. Can we celebrate our "yes," and allow ourselves to experience sadness and/or grief around the other door being closed?

-In my "yes," what have I said "no," too?

-Is there a grieving part of me that needs to be acknowledged and seen?

Holding Space for Both/And  

As we understand that our yes also brings a no, this helps us to get more comfortable with the both/and, allowing us to hold conflicting feelings with less anxiety. As we further explore and put words to all the feelings that new changes bring, we often experience a greater sense of self-compassion and find ourselves less daunted by our conflicting feelings. 

For example:

Getting married is a joyous occasion that brings excitement accompanied by celebrations and gatherings of friends and family. These positive experiences are further emphasized by societal messages.

Getting married, however, can also bring stress and pressure. Wedding planning and shifts in identity, as you become part of a new family, can unearth grief around growing up, not having the familial closeness you hoped for at this milestone, and about family members who have passed away and won't be there.

-Can I feel both ___ and ___ without negating or minimizing the other?

Preparing Our Internal World for Change is Grounding and Helps Us Transition. 

Changes like moving to a new city for that dream job or preparing to welcome a child into your life involve a good deal of preparation. It can be easy to get caught up in what's happening outside and not address the emotions that might be coming up. Preparing our internal world for change is also grounding and helps us transition. We can practice rituals to prepare our internal world for change.

Examples of Rituals:

-Write a letter to the you who was just starting the job you're leaving reflecting on your experience 

-Write a letter to your younger self reflecting on your time growing up as you prepare to have a child

-Visit the rooms within a home you are leaving and honor those spaces by remembering memories within each room

-What rituals and reflections may help me to slow down and allow me to process changes and move into transition?

Further suggested reading: 

The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sheryl Paul 

Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges

Sharon Yu