Working with Indecisiveness

Making decisions is hard. You've made the pros and cons list and talked to trusted friends, family, and your therapist. You've even tried flipping a coin. But yet, you're still not sure. A judgemental part is beginning to show up around your inability to decide, and you're left paralyzed.

Do I stay in this relationship? 

Do I take another job? 

Do I try medication?

Do I go down a different career path? 

Decisions like these are often not ones that can be made quickly or easily, leaving us feeling the discomfort of being in that liminal space. It is understandably uncomfortable to not know what you're going to do. And in a culture that stresses the value of immediacy in all aspects of life, feeling unsure and not having your mind made up is especially difficult.

If you find yourself having a hard time making a decision, get curious about:

Are there any "shoulds" I have when it comes to decision-making?

An internal dialogue filled with harsh self-criticism, what we may call an Inner Critic, and "shoulds" can leave you feeling anxious. Maybe your Inner Critic and "shoulds" sound like… 

My family and friends must be so disappointed I haven't made up my mind.

I should be able to make this decision more easily 

Why am I so afraid? I should be able to just do it.

Inner Critic and "shoulds" often show up intending to motivate us, but it usually has the opposite effect. 

Can you ask your inner critic what its job is in your life? 

Can you ask your inner critic what it worries about if it doesn't do its job? 

Can you appreciate its intentions and ask it to give you space? 

What we feel we "should" do and what we want to do aren't always mutually exclusive. When our thoughts are filled almost exclusively with shoulds, this might indicate we aren't operating from a place of genuine consideration for what we actually want or desire but rather from external pressures. 

The ways indecisiveness and internal conflicts help us. 

On the outside, opposing internal voices/ parts of us may have very different goals. But, when we sit with each part's hopes and fears, we may find that their goals are not too dissimilar. 

There's a part of me that says I should stay at my current job (protecting me from the anxiety of the unknown) 

There's a part of me that says I should move onto something new (protecting me from the anxiety of feeling I'm missing out) 

There's a part of me that says I can't make up my mind (protecting me from the anxiety of making rash and impulsive decisions) 

If we turn towards the parts of us in conflict and get to know them one by one, we can find that they are united in intentions and feel less conflicted. 

Can you consider the possibility you may need more time? 

It's okay to allow yourself to take more time making decisions that are big, values-driven, and involve uncertainties.

As you have identified the roles of "shoulds" and "indecisiveness," might these parts of you trust:

Yourself as a problem solver who typically figures things out

Yourself as thorough and know how to gather relevant and helpful information to make informed choices? 

Yourself having the capacity to be patient and understanding toward yourself 

Sharon Yu