Why is staying with a feeling productive?
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Often, clients come to therapy seeking tools for how to “be more rational and less emotional.” We believe that unpleasant feelings are inconvenient or untrustworthy. Perhaps our families, cultures, or society have influenced us to assume that rational or logical thinking is more valuable or productive than sitting with a feeling, especially an unpleasant feeling. However, I also frequently hear my clients say, “I know the rational thing is to ___, but it’s so hard for me not to feel___.” Although identifying rational thoughts and solutions can be very helpful, I’d like to make a case for why staying in our unpleasant feelings can be productive.
Feelings can be signs or cues to tune into something deeper. Feelings can be like the lights that pop up in your car. For instance, your car will flash a certain light symbol if you are low on gas, need to check your engine, tire pressure, etc. It signals to you that something within the car’s system needs your attention. Sometimes, a light will pop up, and you don’t know what it means, leading you to check the manual or see a mechanic. Our feelings are similar; they sometimes come up unexpectedly, and we don’t always understand what they mean initially, but they signal or cue us to explore further what is happening within us.
Feelings can be sources of insight and information. When unpleasant feelings such as anger, disappointment, or fear arise, it often feels easier to minimize or avoid the feeling. However, when we minimize our feelings, we miss opportunities to understand ourselves and the environment around us better. For example, “Because I feel disappointed at how my job is turning out, it means I’m ungrateful, and I should just be grateful to have a stable income.” Perhaps we can make space for both these feelings to exist together; you can simultaneously feel disappointed and grateful. The feeling of disappointment can give us valuable information about potential unmet needs, unmet expectations, your working style, etc. I often ask clients: “If you could give voice to your feeling, what might it be gesturing or saying? What information does it want you to know?”
Feelings can activate us toward action. If a feeling continues to show up, it can likely be a clue that something is not working out, and it’s time for a change. Emotions can help propel you toward taking necessary healthy steps toward change, such as communicating your needs, resolving a conflict, or drawing a boundary. They can motivate you to change a behavior or alter a pattern that no longer serves you.
If you’d like to see if this approach to therapy can work for you, set up an initial call with us. We are looking forward to hearing from you!