When Family Ties Unravel: Navigating Familial Estrangement with Compassion and Clarity
If there is one universal truth, it is this: Families are complicated.
If you or someone you care about is facing the complex and often painful reality of familial estrangement, you are far from alone. A 2021 Cornell study suggests that roughly 27% of adults in the United States are estranged from at least one family member. In my practice, I strive to offer clients a safe space to explore what this experience means to them.
What Is Familial Estrangement?
Estrangement isn’t just a fight or a falling out. It is a deep rupture in a relationship that can take many different forms. Common components include:
Lack of Contact: Whether it is a mutual, gradual erosion of communication or a sudden, hard boundary by one party, all estrangements are characterized by a lack of contact. Communication may be minimal or absent, temporary or permanent.
Triangulation: Often, a lack of contact between two family members will lead to one or both sides communicating through another person. This dynamic is called triangulation, and is worthy of its own blog post! Here, I will just say triangulation tends to complicate an already complex dynamic by outsourcing distress to a caring third party.
Emotional Distance: When a relational rupture is profound enough to warrant estrangement, our protective parts are in control. They may avoid, detach from, or rage at the other person, obscuring the parts of us that may still yearn to connect. Without safety in the relationship, our protectors will continue to be vigilant, making emotional closeness impossible.
Despite these commonalities, no two estrangements are alike. Consider the following vignettes:
Siblings who were raised very differently within the same family of origin: One was the ‘golden child’, the other the ‘black sheep’. Being valued and treated hierarchically from birth created what feels like an unbridgeable gap, where the ‘golden child’ feels guilty or superior and the ‘black sheep’ feels resentful or worthless. They believe they have nothing in common, and neither prioritizes maintaining a relationship.
A young woman whose political beliefs misalign with her family of origin: She always felt different from the people who raised her, but a growing awareness around her own values has started to cause deep friction in her familial relationships. She bristles at the idea of going home for the holidays, where she anticipates being mocked and chided. She is avoiding her family's calls and considering what kind of relationship, if any, she wants with them going forward.
A middle-aged man coming to terms with the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father: He used to think, “Everyone got hit as a kid.” But when his spouse gently named this as abuse, his perspective began to shift. As part of his healing journey, he has determined that ceasing all communication with his father is the only path forward.
The Emotional Landscape
Regardless of its shape, familial estrangement is typically accompanied by an emotional rollercoaster. Parts that carry grief, guilt, relief, anger, and confusion can all show up, often at the same time. Many people also struggle with a sense of shame that says, “If I were a better daughter/son/sibling, I could figure this out.”
Those inner voices are often rooted in cultural narratives and familial burdens. Many of us are raised to believe “blood is thicker than water” -- that no matter what happens, family should always stick together. When bonds do break, it can feel like a personal failure -- even if the separation was necessary for your well-being.
And even when estrangement is the right decision, you may mourn the relationship you wished you had. It's not just the person you're grieving -- it is the hope, the potential, and the imagined future you carried.
What Healing Might Look Like
Healing from estrangement is rarely linear. On some days, you may feel empowered. Other days, you might feel hollow. That’s normal. Here are a few ideas to help you stay grounded during the process:
Allow Yourself to Feel It All: Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them disappear -- in fact, it tends to make them stronger. Journaling, therapy, or even long walks can provide your parts with a safe space to express themselves fully.
Find “Chosen Family”: Sometimes, healing comes from building new kinds of relationships -- ones rooted in mutual respect, safety, and love.
Stay Open to Complexity: People change and relationships evolve. Estrangement today doesn’t have to mean forever. But don’t pressure yourself into reconciliation unless it truly feels safe and mutual.
When clients grapple with whether to reach out to an estranged family member, I invite them to check in with themselves first. I may ask, “What are your needs?” or, “What would make this safe for you?” Reconnection can be beautiful, but it needs to be approached with caution, clear expectations, and lots of emotional support.
Start Working With an IFS therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles
Familial estrangement is not a moral failure. It is a deeply human response to chronic hurt or unmet needs. Whether you’re just beginning this journey or are years into it, I hope you give yourself permission to feel and heal on your own terms. If you are ready to start your therapy process, our team of trauma-informed IFS therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply follow these simple steps:
Speak with an IFS therapist in navigating familial estrangement.
Get the support you need as you find clarity and self-compassion.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to IFS Therapy, we also offer Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, Teen Therapy, Neurodivergent Affirming, and Grief and Loss Therapy in Highland Park, CA. We also address related issues such as anxiety, depression, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today!
Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Philip Chang, LCSW #92156. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.