Navigating feelings towards your therapist
Photo by Lorenzo Hamers on Unsplash
It’s easy to forget that one crucial aspect that dictates the effectiveness of therapy is the quality of the client-therapist relationship. It has been found that this is the main factor, above and beyond any therapeutic interventions, that can predict meaningful change and progress in therapy. This is why establishing trust and safety with your therapist ought to be prioritized often before getting into deep therapeutic work on your specific issues. This is also why paying attention to the feelings you harbor towards your therapist is so important.
While the therapeutic relationship is unique in many ways, it is still a relationship between two humans. Because of this, you are bound to experience a range of feelings during your work together.
Here are some examples of common scenarios that might elicit emotional responses toward your therapist:
You are feeling frustrated with your therapist because you feel like you aren’t making progress.
You feel guilty because you didn’t do the “homework” you agreed upon during the last session.
You feel ashamed by something vulnerable you shared with your therapist, and you wish you could take it back.
You feel neglected because your therapist is going on vacation while you’re going through a difficult period.
You are feeling warmth or feelings of attachment towards your therapist, and you’re not sure if it’s appropriate to share this with them.
The consequences of suppression
Not only are feelings like these normal to experience, but they are also important to pay attention to within yourself and communicate with your therapist. If we ignore or try to push away these feelings, it can have a detrimental impact on treatment. For example, persistent frustration or embarrassment might turn into resentment and shame, preventing you from sharing openly with your therapist. This has the potential to interrupt your progress in therapy.
Transference
Another reason it is crucial to communicate with your therapist about how you feel about them is because this might be an example of transference, which occurs when your therapist unconsciously reminds you of a significant person in your life. Your feelings towards this person might be the same ones you feel toward your therapist.
Practicing healthy communication
The therapeutic relationship can be a microcosm of how we relate to others daily. We might find similar themes in the therapy room and in our relationships with our partners, friends, and family members. If we can directly address and resolve a rupture within the safety of the therapeutic relationship, it might provide us with the confidence to do so in our other relationships.
Communicating our feelings inside and outside the therapy room is not always comfortable or easy. It’s common to feel anxious when initiating any confrontation, especially if you are accustomed to prioritizing the needs/desires of others before your own. It can even feel harsh or mean to share your feelings after a lifetime of keeping them inside. If this sounds like you, be aware that the first few times you share your true feelings with anyone (including your therapist), feelings of guilt or shame might arise. However, instead of allowing this to be a deterrent to sharing our truth, I wonder if you can begin to sit with these uncomfortable emotions and view them as a necessary part of the healing process.
There is no downside to sharing your feelings. On the contrary, your therapist will most likely appreciate you sharing your feelings openly with them. It will help them restructure their approach, reflect on how they have been showing up with you, and feel more connected to you.