Coping with Grief
Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash
Grief can feel relentless.
“A part of me feels exasperated.”
“It’s so unpredictable and comes out of nowhere.”
“A part of me feels confused. One day I feel fine and then I feel so lost.”
“Grief is painful. It feels neverending.”
If you’ve ever said something similar in the midst of loss, it’s common to wonder if there is a solution for grief or a way to end or stop it.
The desire to be relieved of the pain grief brings is a shared human experience.
Paired with this desire is being confronted with the difficult reality that grief never ends since we continue to live life with our loss. While this is true, building a relationship with our grief is possible—one that gives us the space to learn to cope with and live alongside loss.
Being in relationship with our grief can look like:
1) Acknowledging Your Style of Grieving
Grief is a unique experience. The way you grieve will never look exactly like how someone else does. In fact, how you grieve your current loss may be a completely different experience than how you grieved a previous loss. Sometimes we express grief intuitively by feeling and sharing our emotions. Sometimes we express grief instrumentally by thinking about our loss or engaging in an activity. Sometimes, it’s a mix of both.
If you find yourself comparing how you’re grieving to how others are, consider taking a pause and reminding yourself that there is no one way to grieve. You can even reflect on the following questions: What is the intention of how I’m expressing my grief at this moment? Are there any emotions that I want to acknowledge, feel, or share? Do I need the space to think about my loss or engage in an activity that reminds me of or honors my loss?
2) Preparing for Surges of Grief
In moments where grief may feel less intense and overwhelming, I encourage you to reflect on what has brought surges of grief when grief suddenly pulls you to a place of intense pain and longing. To help with this self-inquiry, consider asking yourself: What reminds me of my loss? Is it a particular smell, food, song, place, or language? Are there moments where I can anticipate a surge of grief, such as an upcoming holiday, event, or milestone? What did I find helpful that helped me cope with these surges of grief? Conversely, what did I find to be unhelpful?
These reflections lead to identifying what helps you cope and find safety during a surge of grief. For some, this looks like having a person they trust and can talk to, an activity that facilitates a physical expression of grief like yoga or running, having time away from others to think about your loss, journaling or playing an instrument, or identifying your needs and boundaries during an upcoming holiday or event.
3) Engaging in Rituals & Practices
Engaging in planned rituals can help us find consistency and certainty in the unpredictability of grief. This might look like a practice related to your spirituality, faith, or culture. It can even look like a regular offering from the communities you’re part of, such as an exercise group, creative class, or book club. If you’d like to explore this more, consider asking yourself: What are practices that my faith, spirituality, or culture engage in when it comes to death or loss? Which of these can help facilitate and help me feel supported in processing my loss? How do I want to be in community with others during this time?
Often the intensity of grief feels limiting and debilitating. However, when we get curious about and explore our relationship with our grief and loss, we create the opportunity to welcome choice and agency back into our lives.
Chris Datiles is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. As a queer Filipino therapist, he supports clients through their journeys with grief and loss due to death, marginalization, life transitions, and intergenerational trauma.