The actual cost of always giving

Recently, I have noticed a few themes coming up with my clients who describe themselves as a “giver” “empath” or “helper.” Those of us who identify with these roles in relationships often feel obligated to provide something to our friends, family members, coworkers, and partners. There is nothing wrong with desiring to give to people in our lives. The help we offer others can give us a sense of fulfillment and self-satisfaction. It highlights our capacity for love, compassion, and connection.

However, there can be a dark side to this dynamic. When our desire to give becomes a compulsion that overshadows our ability to care for ourselves and/or receive care from others, we feel burnt out, bitter, and anxious. We can notice feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment towards others, and we might blame those we view as “takers” in our lives. I encourage a closer look at this dynamic and to get curious about how we may be unconsciously perpetuating or contributing to it.

If this strikes a chord with you, I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

Where did I learn that my needs come secondary?

What am I afraid would happen if I did not constantly give to others?

What would it mean about me if I did not provide something of value?

Do I have inherent value above and beyond what I can provide to others?

What would happen if I let myself receive?

If you grew up in a household where love or approval was conditional upon your ability to perform, manage, or provide to those in your family system, it is possible that a part of you continues to believe that giving is a prerequisite to being loved or being seen as worthy. I encourage you to get to know this part of you - its beliefs, fears, and desires.

Here are some underlying core beliefs that might be at play and supportive reframes that you can use to remind yourself of your inherent value: 

I am only as valuable as what I can contribute → I am inherently valuable, above and beyond what I can contribute.

I will not be loved if I do not provide or give to others → I am lovable simply because of who I am, not because of what I can provide.

It is selfish to prioritize myself → I deserve to be supported by others.

My needs don’t matter → my needs matter as much as everyone else’s needs.

Notice how it feels to challenge these beliefs and affirm yourself instead. When we can tap into the truth of our inherent worth as a human being, we notice our relationship with ourselves change. As a byproduct, we can feel more capable of setting boundaries, asking for help without guilt, and receiving love and care from the important people in our lives.

 
Sharon Yu