Grief in the Shadows
Photo by Agata Create on Unsplash
Throughout life, we develop relationships, attachments, and emotional bonds with people, communities, animals, places, things, and the roles we come into. Whenever these bonds are broken or severed—whether intentional, anticipated, or unexpected—we experience loss and grief.
I find that in the midst of loss, some clients ask themselves, “Why am I so impacted by this? It’s not like anyone died. So why does it feel like someone did?”
This is a common question for those going through unrecognized grief. The type of grief where it feels like someone or something died even though death hasn’t occurred. It speaks to the pain of loss when a sense of attachment or emotional bond is severed, even in the absence of death.
Some losses that often go unrecognized are:
Relational Losses
This can include divorce or break-up with a partner or friend, moving away from a community, becoming estranged from family members, a pet went missing, co-workers being fired or laid off, or becoming separated from loved ones due to incarceration or immigration.
Identity Losses
This can include when we lose the ability to function or do something meaningful in ways that we used to, sometimes due to health issues or finances. This loss asks us to think of who we are and how we show up in the world and find purpose differently.
Intergenerational Losses
This can include the loss of ancestral knowledge, cultural practices, and language due to colonization, marginalization, and oppression. We find ourselves grieving what life could have looked like if we knew our family’s history or could speak the language of our homelands.
If you ever find yourself saying something similar to “No one died, so why am I grieving?” consider shifting the narrative from grief can only exist in response to death to grief can occur whenever a relationship, attachment, or emotional bond has been severed. By acknowledging what has been severed—in the absence of death—as a loss, we create more space to welcome, be with, and allow the stages of grief to unfold with compassion and acceptance.
Chris Datiles is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. As a queer Filipino therapist, he supports clients through their journeys with grief and loss due to death, marginalization, life transitions, and intergenerational trauma.