The Number 1 Reason for Couples Therapy

Here's a reductive way to describe why couples come into therapy: problems with chores, money, and sex. While these themes do come up in the weekly conversations I have with the couples I work with, I would say the most common reason couples seek therapy is communication issues.

I remember processing the common theme of "communication issues" with a prior supervisor of mine, and she wisely said, "y'all be communicating all the time - so what's the issue?"

Her words struck deep in me - she's totally on point. We communicate all the time, with our words or silence, with our body language or inattentiveness, with our DMs and memes, or with the way we type a text. 

So what's the real issue? What are you really trying to say to your partner? What are you not saying to the person who knows you intimately?

And the responsibility for communication isn't just on the speaker, but on the listener too. What, or when, are you unable to receive when your partner speaks? There was a time when love was passionate, and every word out of your loved one's mouth was cherished, so why did you stop listening?

Here are 3 ways to begin understanding the communication issues you're facing:

1. Metacommunication

Very simply, metacommunication is "talking about talking". Communication goes beyond just the words we say, but also the how we say. 

One partner says, "I want you to be more present when I'm here", but their hands are folded, and there is a frustrated energy emanating from their body. A boyfriend responding to his girlfriend's requests with his eyes to the ceiling with an exasperated tone: "I'm here in therapy with you, and I just said I love you". A wife's eye roll when her husband talks about his work stress in couples therapy, again. 

When I work with couples in the room, I observe each person's metacommunication and bring my curiosity to parse the deeper meaning behind the words. Sometimes what we don't say is speaking louder than what we're saying out loud.

1. Introduce "Parts" Language

In Internal Family Systems, we talk about our personality as a system of parts. While I have heard that some people have this fear that I see them with multiple personality disorder, like in the movie "Split", think of it as more like facets of you that come out depending on the context. For example, while you may have confidence at work and speak clearly to your bosses and colleagues, a part of you struggles with anxiety and finding the right words in a romantic relationship.

Instead of "she's always so needy", a part of my wife longs for my presence sounds far less overwhelming.

Instead of "he's never there", a part of my boyfriend needs to keep him safe by taking him out - this feels more compassionate.

When you recognise that your partner is made of 'parts', their behaviours become less pathological and a lot more approachable.

1. Awareness of Your "Parts"

It takes two to tango, but because you can always dance on your own, I prefer the saying in Mandarin. The saying goes  "一个巴掌拍不响"  – one hand cannot clap on its own.

Just as your partner has parts, so do you—and those parts often collide in ways that feel confusing, discouraging, or painfully familiar. Many couples find themselves replaying the same arguments, feeling stuck in roles they never consciously chose: one person withdrawing to keep the peace, the other pushing harder for connection; one protecting the relationship by shutting down, the other protecting it by confronting what feels off.

These patterns aren't random. They come from the families, cultures, and communities you grew up in. They were once protective. They helped you survive. But in a relationship—especially one that matters—those old strategies can become the very thing that creates communication issues.

Couples often tell me some version of:

• "I don't know why I shut down—I just do."

• "I hate that I get so reactive, but it happens instantly."

• "It feels like we're speaking different languages."

• "I want to open up, but something in me freezes."

What they're describing are parts—parts that learned to avoid conflict, parts that fear being dismissed, parts that move toward intensity, parts that pull away to stay safe.

And this is where relationships can become such powerful catalysts. When two people with different histories and protective parts meet, it's easy to slip into blaming each other:

"You never listen."

"You always shut down."

"You're too much."

"You're too distant."

But the shift happens when couples begin doing what I call the U-turn: turning inward to understand their own parts before pointing outward. Instead of assuming your partner is the problem, you start asking:

• What part of me is activated right now?

• What is this part trying to protect?

• What does it need from me before I even bring this to my partner?

When both people start doing these small internal U-turns, something powerful happens: conflict becomes less about who's right and who's wrong, and more about two tender, protective parts trying their best to love and be loved.

Start working with a Couples Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles, CA

This is often the moment couples describe as the beginning of honest communication - not the surface-level exchange of words, but a deeper understanding of each other's histories, longings, and fears. The place where empathy returns. Where softness comes back online. Where the relationship stops feeling like a battleground and starts feeling like a team again.

1. Reach out to schedule a brief initial consultation.

2. Speak with a couples therapist.

3. Communicate with self-awareness, effectiveness, and clarity.

Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig

At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to couples therapy, we offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, ADHD Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, Group Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Teen Therapy, and IFS Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.

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Grace Chan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#142670), supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. She is trained in Brainspotting and Prepare/Enrich Premarital Counseling. She integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) with creative arts therapies to support individuals and couples in deepening their connection to themselves and each other. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.