So You Crave Intimacy, But You’re Terrified to Actually Open Up…

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You’re not alone. Opening up to someone new comes with risks, and can absolutely be terrifying! But it can also bring great rewards.

The Importance of Relationships

Humans are relational animals and crave connection. From the second we are conceived, we are initiated into a relationship with the mother (or womb-carrier in which we grow). Our attachment to others is a natural and inherent human need and behavior. However, many of us experience attachment wounding as we grow up – whether from acute traumatic events or more subtle needs that go chronically unmet. When left untended, these wounds can keep us from forming healthy attachments in adulthood. 

While our Western culture highly values independence, there is extensive research showing that people with healthy relationships are more likely to feel happy and satisfied with their lives. But genuine, healthy relationships ask us to be intimate, and intimacy can be scary. Intimacy with another person can be described as “being authentic, revealing to another your most private and true-at-this-moment self, thoughts, feelings, bodily self. In return, the other reveals [their] true self to you. This requires trusting each other. So intimacy equals authenticity, which is permitted by trust.” (Aron, p. 73, 2016).

Understandably, if you’ve been hurt in relationships before, it might be hard to trust someone else again. To overcome this obstacle to meaningful relationships, it’s helpful to understand what specifically you are afraid of – and treat that at the root.

8 Common Fears When it Comes to Intimacy

Below are common fears that people often face when considering entering into relationships. The first six were named by Elaine Hatfield, a renowned American social psychologist often referred to as the pioneer of the scientific study of love. Dr. Elaine Aron added the last two fears listed below as fears more commonly experienced by Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). Read more about HSPs here and here.

  1. Fear of Exposure and Rejection – Worrying that if you open up authentically, you may be met with rejection/negative judgment. To protect yourself, you maintain a certain distance from others that allows you to be selective about what parts of yourself you share.

  2. Fear of Angry Attacks – Believing that being in a close relationship with another means receiving anger in a way that is intended to be hurtful (to be differentiated from “moral anger,” which is part of healthily communicating when boundaries are crossed). 

  3. Fear of Abandonment – The fear that you will be left all alone, that you will not be okay if this happens, and that you somehow deserve this in the end. This fear is only natural and can be healed by cultivating a deeply loving relationship with yourself.

  4. Fear of Losing Control – Falling in love requires us to soften our boundaries with another person, which can feel scary, especially if you haven’t yet developed a strong relationship with your unconscious world. Truly opening your heart to another person means permitting them to activate parts of yourself that may still be living in the shadows of your psyche.

  5. Fear of Your Destructive Impulses – Concern that you might hurt your partner unintentionally if angry, aggressive, or sadistic impulses take over (e.g., in a moment of passionate conflict). If you struggle with this fear, you might unconsciously withdraw from intimacy in an effort to protect others from parts of yourself you do not yet have control over.

  6. Fear of Being Engulfed – This fear is strongest when you have not yet learned how to hold strong boundaries around your individuality. You may fear losing yourself in another person or being absorbed by someone else’s needs or pain. You may also fear losing your alone time (especially for HSPs who need more downtime than non-HSPs).

  7. Fear of Commitment – This can stem from a variety of places: fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting another, fear of losing your freedom, fear of boredom, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of letting someone down. The list goes on.

  8. Fear of Being Easily Irritated – Especially strong for HSPs, who are more acutely attuned to subtleties in their environments, and consequently may be more easily bothered by little things.

Which Fear(s) Are You Experiencing?

IFS therapist for HSPs and Empaths in Los Angeles and Highland Park

Reflect on whether each of the following statements is true or false for you based on your lived experiences in close relationships – with friends and/or lovers. (Assessment derived from Dr. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love).

True or False:

  1. I feel uncomfortable discussing past experiences I have been ashamed of.

  2. There are things about me that, if the other person knew about them, would disgust them.

  3. I worry that something I reveal will make the other person angry.

  4. I would almost rather not love someone so that I do not have to worry about losing them.

  5. I tend to expect the other person to betray me in some way, in the end.

  6. I would be afraid to be spontaneous with another person.

  7. Sometimes, when I am close to another person, my feelings are so intense that, even though they are positive, I want them to stop.

  8. I am afraid that I might do something that hurts another person’s feelings.

  9. I have avoided getting close because I thought the other person would control me.

  10. A part of me would be afraid to make a long-term commitment to a relationship.

  11. I feel uneasy if another person starts depending on me for emotional support.

  12. I doubt I can really be close to anyone; little things always annoy me too much.

  13. It is difficult to tell someone else that I care about them.

  14. I have avoided chances to become close to someone I wanted to be close to.

  15. I have held back my feelings in previous close relationships.

There is no “scoring” on this assessment. Rather, note the numbers that you answered “true” to and refer to the associated fears below to discover which fear(s) may be holding you back from opening yourself to true intimacy with others.

  • Questions 1 & 2: Fear of Exposure and Rejection

  • Question 3: Fear of Angry Attacks

  • Questions 4 & 5: Fear of Abandonment

  • Question 6 & 7: Fear of Losing Control

  • Question 8: Fear of Your Destructive Impulses

  • Question 9: Fear of Being Engulfed

  • Questions 10 & 11: Fear of Commitment

  • Question 12: Fear of Being Easily Irritated

  • Questions 13, 14 & 15: Overall leaning toward a general fear of intimacy, likely informed by a combination of many of the fears named above.

Overcoming These Fears

These fears you identified above are beautiful trailheads to parts of yourself that were likely wounded and/or had needs unmet earlier in life. This is great information to bring to work with a therapist. In particular, when you work with an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, you will be guided to work with each of these fears specifically and intimately, deeply healing and freeing the part that holds the suffering and maintains the perceived need for protection from these fears.

Other Supportive Practices to Open Your Heart

In addition to exploring these fears with a therapist, below are a few practices you can try to open your heart to love:

  1. Heart-opening postures like downward-facing dog, cobra, and camel pose. Two options for online guided heart-opening yoga flows here as well: 16-minute yin & 38-minute flow.

  2. Cacao ceremony ~ look for a community gathering in your area or try an online guided ceremony here to work with this heart-opening medicine.

  3. Practice loving-kindness. Guided meditation here, or simply consider somebody in your life you want to send love to. Close your eyes, bring forward an image of their face, and imagine enveloping them in loving energy or sending them loving thoughts and wishes (e.g., May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you feel safe, may you feel loved).

  4. Journal about your relationship with self-love. Consider what parts of myself need more love and acceptance?  How can I show myself more love today?

Connect with a Therapist Today ♥︎

Here at Therapy on Fig, we have relational and IFS-trained therapists who can help you tend to parts of yourself holding onto fears that keep you from opening up to true intimacy with others. Follow the steps below to connect with a therapist today:

  1. Reach out to schedule a free consultation. 

  2. Speak with non-pathologizing therapist that specializes in working with relational wounding.

  3. Find the internal safety you need to give yourself permission to fall in love ♥︎

Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig

At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of teens, adults, and couples. We provide Therapy in Highland Park, CA, offering Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Therapy for Empaths and HSPs, Trauma Therapy, Grief and Loss Therapy, and Couples Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, self-esteem, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your path to healing, agency, and peace.

References:

Aron, E. (2016). The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You. Harmony Books.

 
IFS women's group therapist in highland park los angeles

Marina Mendes is a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (#15511) supervised by Sharon Yu, LMFT (#50028).  As a mixed-race Asian American queer woman, introvert, and Highly Sensitive Person, my healing work is shaped by a deep understanding of what it means to feel "othered." I support individuals who feel misunderstood, embrace multifaceted identities, and value multicultural awareness. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.

 
Sharon Yu