The Body That Wants to Be Loved
Sometimes when a client talks about their body, it isn’t really about the body at all. It’s about longing — to be seen, chosen, and wanted. The mirror becomes a place where attachment wounds play out again and again: If I could just look right, I’d finally be loved.
From an IFS lens, body shame and dysmorphia aren’t symptoms of vanity. They’re survival strategies — the language of parts that learned early on that love had to be earned.
The Body as a Mirror for Love
For many of us, our earliest experiences of love taught us whether it was safe to exist as we are. If love felt uncertain or conditional, some parts learned to manage that anxiety through control — and the body became their focus.
As children, we may have noticed we were praised for being “cute,” “pretty,” “good,” or “well-behaved,” and scolded, ignored, or shamed when we weren’t. Our bodies were consistently commented on. We were told to smile more. We were told what clothes looked good on us and which did not. Maybe you were bullied at school (I certainly was!) and your appearance was the focus. Somewhere along the way, the body became a container for worth. A protector part stepped in and you began to believe that if you looked how everyone wanted you to look, you would feel safe.
These patterns don’t disappear with age. They mature. What began as a child’s survival strategy becomes an adult’s preoccupation with their bodies to chase the love that once felt out of reach.
When Love Feels Conditional
Insecurely attached adults often carry a quiet conviction: I am only lovable if my body is acceptable. Parts take on the impossible job of securing worth through appearance. They scan for flaws, compare to others, and push for control.
From the outside, this can look like perfectionism, dieting, exercise obsession, relentless self-criticism, and disordered eating. But underneath, these protectors are terrified — not of fat or wrinkles, but of rejection. They believe that if they fail to meet a certain (very unrealistic) standard, they will lose connection. This leads to magnifications of perceived flaws, comparison based distortions, and catastrophic thinking.
In young adulthood, the story I told myself was that I wasn’t lovable as is, and so my body must be the answer to find love. That voice wasn’t irrational — it was relational. It belonged to a younger part of myself who learned that being loved required performance.
The Protectors and the Exiles Beneath the Mirror
The parts that criticize or control the body are doing their best to protect something much more fragile — the exiles who carry shame, grief, or the unbearable belief, I am not enough to be loved.
When we begin to turn toward these protectors with curiosity, they slowly reveal the stories they’ve been guarding.
The inner critic, for instance, might not be cruel by nature — it’s desperate to keep us from being hurt the way we once were.
The comparer might be trying to prevent humiliation.
The perfectionist might be protecting a child who still remembers the sting of disapproval.
In IFS, healing doesn’t come from silencing these voices but from understanding them. Once they feel seen, they begin to trust that Self — the calm, compassionate core of who we are — can take the lead.
The Self That Sees Differently
As Self becomes more present, the body is no longer a battleground but a homecoming. We begin to relate to our image with tenderness instead of control. We learn to listen to what the body has been trying to say all along — I want to be loved. I want to belong.
From here, love becomes something internal rather than conditional. The body softens as the system trusts that worth no longer depends on perfection. The mirror no longer shows what’s wrong — it reveals what’s human.
Start working with an IFS Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles.
Healing is not about achieving a “better” body, but about remembering that love was never meant to be earned through it.
Reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation and begin reconnecting with every part of you, including the ones that learned to protect you long ago.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individual adults and teens. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Group Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, ADHD therapy, IFS therapy, Grief and Loss Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, and Teen Therapy. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services!
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and those who struggle with disordered eating. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.