Supporting Your Partner Through Familial Estrangement
Because familial estrangement is a common and often painful reality, it’s no surprise that it frequently shows up in my work with couples. It might look like:
Partners from vastly different families of origin who struggle to understand one another’s experiences
An engaged couple discussing excluding family members from their wedding
Parents deciding whether to allow their child to have a relationship with an estranged grandparent
Typically, only one partner is experiencing estrangement from their family of origin. This post is dedicated to the supporting partner, who may struggle to know how to be a resource for their loved one while feeling disconnected in the relationship.
Estrangement impacts the emotional weather of a relationship
Family estrangement tends to activate attachment wounds for both partners. Your partner may feel grief, relief, anger, shame, and confusion about the estrangement – all at once. They may have protective parts that want to push you away, or to hold on too tightly.
In response, you may feel hurt, unsure how to help, or quietly resentful that there is no space for your own emotional needs. Your protective parts may want to respond by withdrawing or criticizing. No matter how the pattern unfolds, one thing is for certain: when our protective parts steer the relationship, disconnection follows.
And couples who deal with familial estrangement know it isn’t a one-time event -- it’s an ongoing process. Holidays, milestones, and illnesses can all reopen wounds. If your relationship already feels disconnected, you may experience these moments as especially tenuous.
Support doesn’t mean self-erasure
Partners often tell me, “I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m exhausted.” Support can turn into self-silencing: not sharing your own needs because “they’re going through so much,” avoiding conflict to keep the peace, or minimizing your hurt because it feels less important.
But your needs don’t disappear just because your partner is estranged from their family. Connection requires space for both partners to feel held.
Initiating reconnection
Emotional distance can show up as irritability, logistical conversations replacing meaningful ones, or a sense that you’re roommates instead of partners. To initiate reconnection, I would first invite both of you to check in and notice your own experience. What (well-intentioned) parts of you are making vulnerability feel difficult? What do they need from you?
In IFIO, we call this a “U-turn to Return” to the relationship. When your parts feel cared for, and the lines of communication with your partner feel open, I might invite both of you to practice the following:
Name the parallel pain. Your partner may be grieving family loss; you may be grieving the loss of connection with your partner. Both can be true at the same time.
Differentiate support from fixing. It’s not your job to “solve” the estrangement. Presence and curiosity can make a world of difference to your partner.
Protect the relationship space. Make room for moments that are not about family pain: shared rituals, humor, or quiet companionship.
Start working with an IFS Couples Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles
Helping your partner to navigate family estrangement while feeling disconnected can be painful and complex. Seeking couples’ therapy can be a meaningful first step toward reconnection, understanding, and intentionally growing together—as chosen family. Our team of couples therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
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Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Philip Chang, LCSW #92156. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.