What is relational trauma?
Unlike “big T” trauma, relational trauma is typically quiet. It doesn’t come from one catastrophic event, but grows out of repeated misattunement, inconsistency, neglect, criticism, or boundary violations in close relationships. Over time, these experiences can shape how we see ourselves and what we learn to expect from others.
Because familial estrangement is a common and often painful reality, it’s no surprise that it frequently shows up in my work with couples. It might look like:
Partners from vastly different families of origin who struggle to understand one another’s experiences
An engaged couple discussing excluding family members from their wedding
Parents deciding whether to allow their child to have a relationship with an estranged grandparent
“Tell him to pass the salt.”
Picture it: you’re seated at a dinner table with your family. Your parents recently had a big fight, and there’s tension in the air. Rather than speaking to one another, they communicate through you; rather than just asking for the salt, they ask you to ask for the salt.
This is a simple example of a dynamic called triangulation. Triangulation occurs when conflict between two people gets managed through a third person instead of being addressed directly.
Read MoreRegardless of its shape, familial estrangement is typically accompanied by an emotional rollercoaster. Parts that carry grief, guilt, relief, anger, and confusion can all show up, often at the same time. Many people also struggle with a sense of shame that says, “If I were a better daughter/son/sibling, I could figure this out.”
Read MoreMany high achievers carry an internal narrative that sounds like this: "If I could just do more, succeed more, become more, then I would feel good." The problem is that the bar keeps rising. They hit one goal and immediately start reaching for the next.
This kind of internal system isn't flawed – it's adaptive. Somewhere along the way, these parts learned that being competent, successful, or impressive was the safest way to exist.
Read MoreMany of my clients discuss career-related stressors. While their industries, backgrounds, and lived experiences vary widely, almost all of them share a commonality:
Read MoreSome couples who come in for therapy identify as “high-conflict.” If this term resonates with you, your relational dynamics are likely characterized by anger, defensiveness, and contempt.
In high-conflict sessions, one of the most transformative tools I rely on from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is “catching the bullet.” This technique enables therapists to pause the couple’s cycle of conflict in real-time and redirect attention to the emotions and attachment needs underlying explosive moments.
Read MoreOften, couples’ trauma histories interact to cause relational ruptures. For example, one partner’s need for space during conflict may be rooted in a survival strategy from childhood. The other’s fear of abandonment may stem from early losses or inconsistent caregiving. Over time, these opposing needs may cause a pattern where one partner demands attention and the other withdraws, leading to a loss of connection. Couples therapy provides a safe environment to explore each partner’s story and pain so that the couple can begin to reconnect and move forward together.
Read MoreMany individuals seek therapy for help navigating trauma, but trauma’s effects are rarely limited to the person who experienced it. Often, symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress create strain in a survivor’s closest relationships. These difficulties can manifest in various ways, such as emotional distance, communication struggles, and physical withdrawal. Understanding how trauma impacts a relationship is essential for both partners to navigate the healing process together.
Read MoreBecause political beliefs are often tied to values, having a different view than your partner can feel like an impossible gap to bridge. These differences can lead to frustration, anger, and defensiveness, leaving both partners feeling unheard and misunderstood. Over time, this can create withdrawal, criticism, and resentment patterns.
In Emotional-Focused Therapy (EFT), we focus on the emotional underpinnings of interactions and beliefs. When partners understand why the other person feels strongly about a particular issue, they can engage more empathetically.
Read MoreMany of my clients are struggling in their careers. Some have their “dream job” but grapple with long-held expectations that do not match reality. Others hold sought-after creative roles that feel stifling and antithetical to the creative process. Some feel trapped by “golden handcuffs” – they earn a great salary but are always on call, making work/life balance impossible to achieve.
Read MoreThe term “life transition” may bring to mind the sudden, dramatic shift into the great unknown we endure as young adults. But life transitions take many forms and happen at every stage of life. Common examples include pursuing higher education, moving, changing careers, getting married, getting divorced, becoming a parent, and retiring. Such turning points tend to evoke an array of emotions that can be overwhelming.
Often, people turn to therapy for help managing their overwhelm. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic modality that is particularly well-suited to navigating life transitions in two ways: through Parts Work and Self Leadership.
Read MoreMany partners benefit from working with a Gottman-trained therapist. The Gottman Method is a research-based modality that emphasizes three relational domains: conflict, friendship, and shared meaning. Approaching your relationship in this holistic way means that you won't just rehash your problems every week – you'll learn how to navigate conflict, proactively strengthen your partnership, and focus on creating a meaningful life together.
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