Outsourcing Distress: How Triangulation Deepens Divides
“Tell him to pass the salt.”
Picture it: you’re seated at a dinner table with your family. Your parents recently had a big fight, and there’s tension in the air. Rather than speaking to one another, they communicate through you; rather than just asking for the salt, they ask you to ask for the salt.
This is a simple example of a dynamic called triangulation. Triangulation occurs when conflict between two people gets managed through a third person instead of being addressed directly. This can show up in all kinds of ways, such as:
Your sister and mother aren’t on speaking terms, so your mother asks you to deliver a message to your sister.
Your brother is struggling in his relationship with his daughter and asks you to “talk some sense into her.”
Your sibling vents to you about your father’s behavior and expects you to mediate.
These examples may sound harmless, but before you know it, you’re emotionally involved in a conflict that isn’t yours. Over time, triangulation can create deep fractures in families -- turning relationships into divides and making genuine communication feel impossible.
Why Families Turn to Triangulation
Typically, families don’t mean to create triangles -- it’s just something that happens when direct communication feels too risky or painful. Many of us grew up in environments where conflict wasn’t handled openly -- feelings were avoided, dismissed, or punished in the name of “keeping the peace”. So instead of addressing hurt feelings head-on, many people learn to go through others to get their needs met.
That makes a lot of sense, because triangulation offers a temporary sense of relief. If I’m angry at my brother, it’s uncomfortable to confront him; if I tell my aunt instead, I can offload the frustration without the vulnerability of a real conversation. The problem is, that relief comes at a cost: the original relationship never gets repaired.
These triangles can pile up over years. One relative might become the “messenger,” another the “scapegoat,” and someone else the “confidant.” Each person ends up filling roles and carrying burdens that do not belong to them.
Triangulation and Estrangement
Sometimes, triangulation is a byproduct of estrangement between two family members. But sometimes, estrangement can be a byproduct of triangulation.
Over time, triangulation tends to breed resentment. The person caught in the middle often feels torn and responsible for peacekeeping. But because the conflict is not theirs to resolve, keeping the peace is a Sisyphean task. They may develop a burden that says, “I can never do enough; I am not enough.”
If the original conflict is never directly addressed, the people on either side may feel a compounding sense of disconnection. One may feel increasingly inflexible and unwilling to reach out; the other may feel increasingly defensive and “ganged up on”.
Ironically, estrangement can sometimes be an attempt to break the triangle. When a family member refuses to keep carrying messages or taking sides, it can be a form of self-protection. It’s a boundary that says, “I won’t be the go-between anymore.”
When others in the family don’t understand what’s happening for the “go-between,” they may see that boundary as a rejection or betrayal, which can deepen the divide even more.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing from triangulation requires a shift toward direct communication and emotional boundaries. For many families, this can mean a major adjustment.
Here are a few steps I often discuss with clients:
Notice when you’re being pulled in. The moment you find yourself speaking for someone else, pause. Ask yourself, “Is this my role?”
Encourage direct contact. You can gently say, “I think it would be best if you talked to them about that.”
Set limits without guilt. If a guilty part does arise, get curious about it. What does it want you to know? How did it learn to do its job? Do its beliefs feel like they belong to you?
Reflect on your own communication style. If you tend to go through others when you’re hurt, get to know the parts of you that avoid conflict.
Breaking long-standing patterns takes time and, often, outside support. Family or individual therapy can help unpack the emotions that make direct communication so difficult.
Start Working With a Family Therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles
If you are navigating triangulation in your family, try to be gentle with yourself and your loved ones. Triangulation isn’t a failing; it is a common, understandable coping strategy that develops when connection feels unsafe. Understanding these dynamics can be a powerful first step toward clarity. If you are ready to begin your therapy, our team of trauma-informed family therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply follow these simple steps:
Speak with a family therapist to navigate triangulation and various patterns in your family relationships
Get the support you need as you find clarity and self-compassion.
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At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of teens, adults, and couples. We also offer Teen Therapy, Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Grief and Loss Therapy, Couples Therapy, and more. We also address related issues such as anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, self-esteem, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your path to healing, agency, and peace.
Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Philip Chang, LCSW #92156. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.