Communication Tips from a Couples Therapist
We all seek connection and yearn to be supported and loved by our partners. But even with the best intentions, many times, we struggle to communicate in a way that leaves both partners feeling seen and understood. Effective communication can be worked on both in and out of Couples Therapy in Highland Park, CA. This can be done to assist couples in increasing their relationship satisfaction. Here, you can learn more about the importance of relationship communication. You can also learn more ways to improve communication with your partner.
Couples Therapist Tip #1: Validate and Empathize
This might sound familiar. When in conflict, rather than actively listening, are you trying to persuade your partner to agree with your point of view? Instead, start with validating and empathizing with your partner's perspective because, in any conflict, there are two valid subjective realities. Validation is recognizing and accepting another person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as understandable. Empathizing is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Validating and empathizing does not mean you must agree with your partner's perspective; it is about making your partner feel heard and valued in their unique experience.
Some examples of validating and empathizing statements from a couples therapist that you can use:
Wow, I can understand why you felt…
Your feelings make sense to me
I can see why you were hurt when I said…
Now that you've explained, I understand why this is so important to you…
Couples Therapist Tip #2: Turn Towards Your Partner
We've all been there. After the "honeymoon" phase and in the boredom of endless to-do lists and exhaustion from managing your family's schedule, engaging in conversation when your partner is seeking your attention can feel monumental. However, research confirms that turning towards your partner's bid for attention, affection, or connection will enhance your friendship and intimacy. To do this, you must pay attention to your partner so that you can notice when your partner is making a bid.
A bid can be small or big and verbal or nonverbal. A bid can look like your partner…
Reading something on their phone and sighing loudly
Pointing out how heavy the rain is outside
Sharing a detail about the art class they attended that day
Walking up to you and placing their hand on your back
When you notice a bid for attention, show interest in what your partner has communicated by asking questions, being enthusiastic, and reciprocating in their playfulness.
Couples Therapist Tip #3: Take a Break When You Feel Physiologically Flooded
You are in a fight with your partner and begin to feel your muscles clench, your breath quickens, and your heart rate increase. You are frustrated, hurt, and might even be filled with rage. This physiological arousal is called "flooding." This is where your body has entered into fight-flight mode and is filled with adrenaline to escape a perceived threat. When this occurs, activity decreases in your prefrontal cortex, the center of higher cognition in your brain, and your ability for rational thought is impaired. You will likely say or do things that escalate conflict and deepen wounds when flooded.
First, you must identify that you are flooded. Next, you must communicate with your partner that you are flooded and need to take a break. Take at least 20 minutes to regulate yourself with self-soothing techniques such as walking or taking deep breaths. Once you feel ready, rejoin your partner to continue your discussion. The act of returning and coming back to the conversation quickly enough enhances the potential for repair. This is done by signaling to your partner that you want to repair and simultaneously decreases avoidant behavior.
Couples Therapist Tip #4: Avoid Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
In the Gottman Method of couples therapy, they identify 4 dysfunctional behaviors that escalate patterns of negativity called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Avoiding these behaviors will significantly improve you and your partner's ability to have calm and effective conversations.
Criticism
Stating one's complaints as a defect in your partner's personality. Criticism can look like:
"You never think about anyone but yourself! You are selfish and inconsiderate!" or
"I wish you would stay more calm with her. She is just a child, and you are so impatient!"
Defensiveness
Protecting yourself in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood. An example of defensiveness is…
Question: "Did you fill up the stroller tires with air?"
Defensive Response: "I'm exhausted from working 14-hour days. It's very easy, and you are home today, so why don't you just do it?"
Contempt
Statements that come from a position of superiority. It is far more extreme than criticism and can include hostile humor, name-calling, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. For example:
"Stop being so sensitive! When are you going to learn to have thicker skin? It's absolutely pathetic."
Stonewalling
Emotional withdrawal from the interaction. For example, you may stop giving nonverbal cues to your partner that you are listening to, such as avoiding eye contact or acting like you are busy.
Nurturing Connection Through Effective Communication
We all have different communication styles and emotional patterns. So, it’s no surprise that miscommunication is common in relationships. However, by learning to listen actively, expressing your needs clearly, and responding empathetically, couples can enhance their understanding of each other and build deeper intimacy.
It's also important to be aware of nonverbal cues and body language, as these can often convey more than words alone. Additionally, practicing patience and understanding during disagreements can help prevent conflicts from escalating. This can lead to more constructive resolutions. By prioritizing effective communication and emotional connection, couples can strengthen their bond. This creates a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. If you find that you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking couples therapy with Therapy on Fig. Working with a couples therapist can provide you with the tools and guidance needed to improve your communication skills. It can also strengthen your relationship.
Learn How to Communicate Better through Couples Therapy in Highland Park, CA Today!
Ready to enhance your relationship through better communication? Explore effective communication techniques with Couples Therapy in Highland Park, CA with Therapy on Fig. Discover how therapy can empower you to understand and communicate with your partner more effectively. By working with a couples therapist who specializes in communication, you can learn practical strategies. These strategies can help you improve your connection, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your bond. Take the first step towards healthier communication and a stronger relationship by following the steps below:
Speak with an understanding couples therapist.
Help your relationship flourish through effective communication!
Other Therapy Services Offered at Therapy on Fig in Los Angeles, Highland Park, and Throughout California
At Therapy on Fig, we offer therapy services that fit the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to Couples Therapy in Highland Park, CA, we also offer Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, and Grief and Loss Therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, stress management, and relationship issues. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and to begin your journey to a better relationship for you and your partner.
Gabriella Elise Giorgio is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 140682), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a highly sensitive person and a mother, she helps individuals recover from childhood attachment injuries, couples navigate significant life changes, and women facing pregnancy and postpartum anxieties. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.