Anhedonia: When the world become flat and grey
Anhedonia, otherwise known as “the inability to experience joy or pleasure” (ClevelandClinic, 2026) can be a debilitating and terrifying experience to navigate. Anhedonia is a very common symptom of mood disorders like Major Depressive Disorder and can be a response to complex and shock trauma.
The world becomes flat and grey
I remember the many years of my life succumbing to what felt like a straitjacket suffocating my ability to feel. The music that used to move me to tears was now noise. Watching films that reminded me of what it was to be human felt like a waste of time. Seeing the cute puppy video online no longer activated the usual cute-aggression tug in my heart. I felt like a shell of a person…a shade of what I used to be. With anhedonia, the world becomes flat and grey.
“It Tastes Like Ashes”
In the film Melancholia (2011), the protagonist Justine (Kirstin Dunst) is depicted struggling through the many facets of depression that often frustrate and confuse those around her. In one pivotal scene, Justine’s sister prepares her favorite meal to try and cheer her up. After biting into the food, Justine spits it out, sobs deeply, and says through her tears, “It tastes like ashes.” That was what Anhedonia was for me. Everything tasted like ashes.
The many forms of anhedonia
However, taste was not the only aspect of my life that was affected by Anhedonia. Many forms of Anhedonia exist and can rob us of our senses and connection to our environment. Sexual Anhedonia eliminates the pleasure of intimate physical contact, while Social Anhedonia interferes with one’s ability to experience relationships with others. Without the proper firing of the brain’s “reward center,” known as the neurotransmitter Dopamine, one’s ability to feel motivation is severely limited. I no longer felt like a real human being. I floated through existence.
Behavioral interventions and strategies can help some people who are struggling. Unfortunately for me, the depths of anhedonia were more insidious due to relational trauma that was overwhelming for my system. Forcing myself to engage in activities that I used to love didn’t help me find traces of who I used to be. I was lost.
Healing began with listening to my anhedonia and what it was protecting me from
It wasn’t until the long process of my own healing journey in therapy that I began to listen. When I stopped hating this part of me for stealing my humanity, I could finally find clarity. It was hard to believe, but eventually I recognized that the anhedonia was protecting me in its own way. The fear of re-experiencing the pain, hurt, grief, and betrayal was all too threatening for this part of me. Shutting everything down was the only option for survival. While this decision wasn't conscious, my system showed great wisdom in self-preservation. As I slowly began to understand and appreciate this perspective, I built a relationship with this part of me. That was when softening was possible. The straitjacket slowly loosened, and I began to feel the colors returning to my world. I slowly pieced myself back together into someone I could recognize. I felt alive.
Start working with a CPTSD therapist
If you’re experiencing anhedonia, you may be searching for answers, reassurance, or simply some sign that what you’re going through can change. I remember how frightening and isolating that search felt for me, which is part of why I share my experience now. Your path may look different from mine, but I want you to know that feeling this way does not mean you have to navigate it alone. Support can be part of finding your way toward something different. Reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Other services offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples, adults, and teens. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, Teen Therapy, ADHD Therapy, Group Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, Anxiety Therapy, Therapy for Autistic People, Depression Therapy, Premarital Counseling, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and CPTSD Therapy. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services!
Michael Hung is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #154058, supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. He is trained in Internal Family Systems (Level 1) and in modalities rooted in a somatically based, trauma-informed approach, such as the Neuroaffective Relational Model (Level 2), Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO), and the Gottman Method.