When Purpose Stops Being Something to Chase
Purpose is such a big, heavy, lofty, full-of-meaning word.
Finding our purpose has become synonymous with discovering the meaning of our existence on this Earth. It’s often heralded as the answer to our questions of why now and not earlier or later; who am I meant to be with—in family, romance, or friendship; where was I, and where am I going next? These existential curiosities thread quietly through our daily lives.
I believe that knowing your purpose can offer an anchor in life’s many storms. Yet there are many anchors beyond purpose.
The meaning of “purpose” needs to be widened beyond career or family, and beyond achievement or role.
To understand why purpose can feel so elusive today, it helps to look back. In earlier times, when religion and “village” structures guided our lives, purpose was ascribed to us. Your church told you your purpose was to serve God, and your village told you your purpose was to work hard and live peacefully with your people. These messages didn’t conflict; they grounded your life in meaning, intentions, and goals worth living for. Life had purpose, even if it was given to you rather than discovered.
But as we’ve moved toward a more secular, individualistic world, away from religious institutions and cultural roots, with the nuclear family valued above the “village,” purpose has become a personal endeavor. No one gets to tell you what your purpose is anymore. You get to create it.
The shadow of being free to define your own purpose is that when it doesn’t come easily, it can start to feel like something’s wrong with you, as if you haven’t done enough inner work to earn it.
Looking at the etymology of “purpose,” its earliest English usage (1300s) referred to intention, goal, or proper function. That last phrase—proper function—is what I love exploring with clients when we talk about purpose: how to return to the proper functions of being human, of being you.
So, how do we get back to that? For those wondering how to help themselves or a loved one find purpose, I offer two starting points:
1. Redefine the Concept of Purpose
Many clients (and people in general) have an anxious part that believes purpose is found in what they do, whether it's their major, career, or hobbies. Others carry a defeated part that believes they have no purpose because they aren’t “good enough” at anything they try.
Notice the shared thread: both assume we must do to have purpose. But is doing truly a proper function of being human?
While purpose can be expressed through what we do, like being a therapist, which I find deeply fulfilling, I also find purpose fundamentally in who I am.
Before becoming a therapist, I had many roles: student, employee, friend. Yet no matter what I was doing, I noticed I was happy when I was with people, because I love people. Becoming a therapist wasn’t the spark that created my purpose; it grew from the root that was already there. What you love often points you toward your purpose. The question then becomes: how do you know what you naturally love?
2. The Power of Noticing
One of my favorite lessons from Brainspotting is the power of noticing. Instead of fixating on or pushing away a thought or feeling, noticing it means acknowledging its existence as a part of you—without letting it completely blend with you.
In today’s world, our parts often slip into autopilot to get through the day. These protective parts help us survive—but when we’re blended with them, we lose clarity about what feels natural and true to us.
Autopilot is not the same as proper function.
When my parts were blended, I couldn’t notice what I truly loved. My people-pleasing parts kept me busy serving others, but I missed the simple truth that I loved being with people. Through therapy, as I began to separate from those parts, I noticed something striking: others had long seen that quality in me before I did. As someone once put it so simply, “Not everyone loves people.”
As a therapist, I can’t tell you exactly what your purpose is. But I can help you notice. I can be one of those people in your life who reflects back your effortless strengths—the moments that light you up, the gifts that come naturally to you. But ultimately, you must notice for yourself: Is this a part of me that loves doing, or a proper function of me as a human being?
Start working with a culturally attuned and identity-affirming therapist in Highland Park, Los Angeles.
At Therapy on Fig, we often talk about how purpose doesn’t have to be something you chase. It can begin with simply noticing what steadies you, what draws you in, and what feels most like you.
The moments that make you feel most alive, such as listening, connecting, creating, or caring, are often quiet clues pointing you toward your purpose. When we slow down enough to notice, purpose becomes less about doing and more about being.
If you find yourself wondering where to begin, start there: with a pause, a breath, and a bit of curiosity about what already feels natural. Sometimes, that’s where purpose starts to take shape.
Speak with a therapist who understands how identity, culture, and belonging shape your sense of purpose.
Discover the parts of you that already hold purpose, meaning, and ease.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to approaching therapy from a culturally nuanced and affirming perspective, we offer IFS Therapy, Grief and Loss Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Therapy for Highly Sensitive People, Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Therapy for Teens, and Couples Therapy.
Grace Chan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#142670), supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. She is trained in Brainspotting and Prepare/Enrich Premarital Counseling. She integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) with creative arts therapies to support individuals and couples in deepening their connection to themselves and each other. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.