Why does it feel like I'm not grieving the "right" way?
The pressure to grieve the “right” way
Folks often have the same reaction when I tell them I am a therapist who works with grief. They shrink inward, their voice softens, and they confess (as if I were their priest), “I don’t feel like I grieved my [fill in the blank] right.”
It’s an understandable concern. In our modern world of constant productivity, optimization, and death avoidance, it can be difficult to find tools for grief navigation or spaces where grief is welcomed in its full complexity. It makes sense that people feel pressured to experience a neat, efficient bereavement process, if they are even able to grieve at all. It can almost appear as though we all missed the day of school where we were supposed to learn the art of “grieving well.”
Many individuals blame themselves for not having a skill set with which to approach grief, or for not taking "enough" time to be present with their pain after the loss of a loved one. From a social work perspective, however, we view these struggles through a systemic lens rather than pathologizing the individual. We see feelings like self-criticism, shame, and guilt not as personal failures but as natural responses to broader societal and cultural expectations.
Debunking the five stages of grief
It doesn’t help that ample misinformation persists in the public consciousness around what constitutes “good grief.” People familiar with pioneering researcher Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and the "Five Stages of Grief" often expect to progress through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. What is perhaps less widely understood is that these concepts were originally introduced as the "Five Stages of Death" to describe terminal illness in adults, not the experience of the bereaved left behind.
The "Five Stages" are not supported by empirical research, and Kübler-Ross herself later expressed regret over how widely the model was misunderstood. While this framework identifies five common experiences among dying patients, they are not required steps. No one needs to experience all five or follow a linear path to achieve "successful" grieving, and if other stages occur, that does not mean the grief is deviant or insufficient. Rather than a prescriptive formula, the stages are simply reference points to help frame and identify emotions; however, it will take more grief literacy education to dispel something so deeply entrenched in our Western culture.
When society doesn't make room for grief
Institutional policies further reinforce the unrealistic expectation that grief fits within a neat timeline. There is no Federal mandate for paid or unpaid bereavement leave, and progressive states such as California only offer five days of job-protected leave for qualifying deaths (let alone disenfranchised losses). Societal pressure to “move on” and quickly resume Capitalist productivity barely leaves little room for mourning rituals like sitting Shiva or attending a burial, let alone handling the deceased's administrative affairs. Policy around bereavement leave is not reflective of the spaciousness demanded to adjust to a life forever changed by loss.
This pressure to grieve efficiently may be even greater for adults navigating the demands of parenthood and caregiving. Social pressure to “be strong for the kids” and the very real responsibility of providing food and shelter for those who depend on us can lead to suppression of the multitude of expressions of grief.
There's no timeline for grief
If you can relate, you may feel heartened to know there is no timeline for grief, and no grief is too old, too big, or too small to explore and integrate. Society’s collective lack of grief literacy may foster feelings of personal inadequacy, but when we connect to support, whether in a group with peers or one-on-one in therapy, we can begin to see that we are not alone in the discomfort and discombobulation of loss.
Start working with a grief therapist
Despite loss being a universal human experience, death remains taboo in many cultures and communal spaces. Our inflexible, industrialized timelines can create further systemic obstacles to integrating grief and moving forward in loss. At the end of the day, there is no one “right” way of grieving. If you feel you haven’t been doing it right, perhaps part of you is ready to approach your grief with compassion and curiosity. If you’d like support, I’d be honored to hold space for you and guide your exploration; reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Other services offered at Therapy on Fig
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Kat Primeau is an Associate Clinical Social Worker #140176, supervised by Courtney Watson, LPCC #21190. She is trained in grief education, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), and IFS-informed mindfulness. She integrates compassionate, creative approaches with practical tools to support adults navigating grief, loss, chronic illness, and major life transitions. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.