How IFS Therapy Can Offer an Affirming Approach to ADHDers Struggling with Friendships
Human beings are fundamentally wired for connection and belonging. While much of our cultural conversation around relationships focuses on romantic partnerships, the reality is that platonic friendships are equally vital to our emotional wellbeing and sense of self. For individuals with ADHD, navigating the complex landscape of friendship can present unique challenges that often go unrecognized or misunderstood, leading to cycles of shame, rejection, and isolation.
The Hidden Struggles of ADHD in Friendships
Many ADHDers experience a heightened sensitivity to social cues that can feel both like a superpower and a burden. This hypersensitivity often manifests as an acute awareness of microexpressions, tone changes, and subtle shifts in group dynamics. While this can create deep empathy and understanding, it can also trigger overwhelming anxiety about whether they've said or done something wrong.
The executive function challenges that define ADHD create their own relational obstacles. Forgetting to respond to texts, missing social events, or struggling to maintain consistent communication patterns can leave ADHDers feeling like "bad friends." The guilt and shame that accompany these lapses often compound the problem, creating a cycle where the fear of disappointing others leads to further avoidance and withdrawal.
Impulsivity and verbal hyperactivity present another layer of complexity. Many ADHDers worry about "taking up too much space" in conversations, interrupting others, or sharing too much personal information too quickly. These behaviors, while neurologically driven, can be misinterpreted by others as self-centeredness or lack of consideration, leading to real experiences of social rejection.
Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
One of the most painful aspects of ADHD that impacts friendships is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This intense emotional sensitivity to perceived or actual rejection can range from mild discomfort to debilitating emotional and physical pain. For someone with RSD, a friend's delayed response to a text message might trigger catastrophic thoughts about the relationship ending, while a casual comment might be interpreted as harsh criticism.
RSD doesn't exist in isolation—it's often rooted in a lifetime of real experiences of being "too much," getting in trouble, or being genuinely rejected for ADHD-related behaviors. These accumulated experiences create what Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy would recognize as wounded parts carrying the pain of past relational trauma.
The Accumulation of Relational Trauma
Many ADHDers carry invisible wounds from years of being misunderstood. From childhood experiences of being labeled as disruptive or lazy, to adult relationships where their neurological differences were pathologized rather than understood, these experiences create protective patterns that can actually interfere with healthy friendships.
The constant messaging that they need to "try harder" or "be more considerate" can lead to hypervigilance about their behavior, exhausting mental resources that could otherwise be devoted to genuine connection. This hypervigilance often manifests as people-pleasing, masking authentic traits, or conversely, as defensive withdrawal when relationships become challenging.
How IFS Therapy Can Help
Internal Family Systems therapy offers a uniquely affirming approach to these friendship struggles because it recognizes that the challenging behaviors aren't character flaws to be eliminated, but rather parts of the person that developed protective strategies for good reasons.
In IFS terms, the parts of an ADHDer that hyperanalyze social interactions, ruminate about friendship conflicts, or withdraw to avoid rejection are often manager parts—internal protectors working overtime to prevent further hurt. These managers might create rigid rules about social behavior or maintain exhausting levels of vigilance about others' responses.
Meanwhile, the parts carrying the pain of past rejections and the shame of being "too much" are what IFS calls exiles—vulnerable aspects of the self that hold emotional wounds. These exiled parts often carry the authentic joy, creativity, and spontaneity that make ADHDers wonderful friends, but they've learned to hide to avoid further pain.
Honoring All Parts to Shift Inner and Outer Dynamics
The healing process in IFS involves both supporting the protective manager parts and unburdening the wounded exile parts. This might look like helping the hypervigilant manager part understand that it doesn't need to work so hard to monitor every social interaction, while simultaneously helping the exiled parts release the shame and pain they've been carrying.
As these internal dynamics shift, ADHDers often find they can approach friendships with greater discernment—able to recognize which relationships are worth their energy and which patterns are familiar but unhealthy. They develop the capacity to make mistakes in friendships without catastrophic shame, and more importantly, they find the courage to repair relationships when genuine harm has occurred.
This integration enables more authentic friendships, where ADHD traits are recognized as differences rather than deficits, and where the unique gifts that ADHD individuals bring —such as creativity, empathy, and passionate engagement —can flourish within relationships built on mutual understanding and respect. Through IFS therapy, ADHDers can learn to befriend themselves first, creating the internal foundation necessary for the meaningful friendships that every human being deserves.
Reference:
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Its Painful Impact: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/
Start working with an IFS Relational Trauma Therapist in Highland Park
Many people benefit from working with an IFS-trained or informed therapist to navigate friendship challenges. If you are ready to start therapy, our team of caring therapists is happy to offer support from our Highland Park, CA-based practice. Simply:
Speak with an IFS therapist
Understand yourself and your friendships with clarity and self-compassion
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples and individuals. In addition to IFS Therapy, we offer Grief and loss therapy in Highland Park, CA, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Therapy for Highly Sensitive People, Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, Therapy for Teens, and Couples therapy. We also address related issues such as anxiety, depression, communication issues in your partnerships, stress management, and burnout related to life transitions or career decisions. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services and build a loving relationship with yourself.
Sabrina Bolin is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 144696), supervised by Sharon Yu. As a multiracial neurodivergent woman, she helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and creative folks in their relationships with themselves and others to access more compassion and deeper connections through a trauma-informed and identity-affirming lens. Reach out today to learn more about how Sabrina or our team can help.