Healing Relational Trauma with EMDR
My clients deeply value their relationships. But relationships -- especially our closest ones -- aren’t always easy. Relational distress can show up in all kinds of ways, and very frequently becomes a topic of conversation in the therapy room. This may sound like:
Outsized anger when a friend cancels plans
Feelings of worthlessness when a partner misses a bid for connection
Overwhelming anxiety when a parent expresses unhappiness
On the surface, these examples may not seem to have anything in common. But almost always, the distressed parts that show up in these situations developed in response to relational trauma.
What is Relational Trauma?
Unlike “big T” trauma, relational trauma is typically quiet. It doesn’t come from one catastrophic event, but grows out of repeated misattunement, inconsistency, neglect, criticism, or boundary violations in close relationships. Over time, these experiences can shape how we see ourselves and what we learn to expect from others.
Like “big T” trauma, relational trauma lives in your nervous system. You may experience tightness in your chest when someone seems distant, or you may dissociate during conflict. These reactions make sense -- they are adaptive ways your body learned to survive when connection felt unsafe or unpredictable.
What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a present-focused, integrated therapeutic approach to healing trauma. While EMDR is most commonly known for treating PTSD, it is also extremely effective for addressing wounds that happened in relationship.
In somatic, attachment-focused EMDR, we honor that your body holds your experiences. Before processing painful memories, we build safety and stability by strengthening grounding skills, identifying internal resources, and increasing awareness of bodily sensations. We move at a pace that your nervous system can tolerate.
During the assessment phase, I will invite you to notice what you feel in your body as you recall an emotionally painful moment. You may report pressure in your chest, a lump in your throat, or a pit in your stomach. These sensations are your body remembering what it couldn’t safely express at the time.
Once the memory is activated and you are in tune with your internal experience, we begin desensitization and reprocessing. This is the most well-known part of EMDR, where we use bilateral stimulation such as eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones to help your brain reprocess distressing experiences.
Through gentle, titrated processing, your nervous system gets an opportunity to update your old responses. A protective part that once had to freeze can begin to thaw. An angry part that had to be suppressed can move through. A part that longed for connection can be safely felt and held in a new context.
The Power of Reprocessing
One of the tenets of EMDR is, “what wants to be healed will show up.” As processing progresses, present triggers tend to lose their intensity. Your body will stop reacting as if the past is happening now; you may notice having more choice and flexibility.
For example, a partner’s distraction may still prompt a reaction. But instead of feeling flooded by feelings of worthlessness, you may find the ability to pause, notice the activation in your body, and respond with clarity.
Somatic and attachment-focused EMDR transforms your relationship to your past. It allows your nervous system to integrate experiences that were once overwhelming and to develop a greater capacity for secure connection.
Start working with an EMDR therapist in Highland Park and Los Angeles
Relational trauma happens in relationships. Healing, too, can happen in a relationship. With attuned support, it is possible to move toward connection with yourself and loved ones that feels safer, steadier, and more authentic. Reach out and schedule a brief initial consultation to see if this approach works for you!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples, adults, and teens. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, Teen Therapy, ADHD Therapy, Group Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, Anxiety Therapy, Therapy for Autistic People, Depression Therapy, Premarital Counseling, Anxiety Therapy, and Therapy for Asian Americans. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services!
Janelle Malak is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT #144798), supervised by Philip Chang, LCSW #92156. As someone who became a parent and changed careers in my late 30s, I understand the challenges of giving yourself permission to evolve. My own therapist helped me navigate the emotional landscape of “beginning again” – it is a frightening, overwhelming place to be, especially in midlife. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.