Perfectionism and What It Might Be Telling You
It is common knowledge that perfectionism is an unattainable goal, yet this awareness is often not enough to stop the negative symptoms associated with it. When we struggle with perfectionism, we often report suffering from unmanageable strain in life, often paired with negative self-judgment. Navigating life through a perfectionist’s lens can also interfere with the peace and lightness many clients want for themselves. Perfectionism is often rigid to the point of being overwhelming when we are either on the verge of breaking down from stress or paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake. The inflexible nature of perfectionism often leaves no room for creativity, play, or self-expression.
So We Know Perfectionism Can Be Problematic…Now What?
We can often show up for therapy knowing that our perfectionism gets in the way of our goals, but we feel stuck, frustrated, and defeated by our inability to change. Commonly, tactics involving just white-knuckling through or trying to “fix” the perfectionism can lead to even more internal strife and negative self-criticism. There can be a doubling-down effect when parts of ourselves feel threatened and sense they are getting pushed out. This pattern can then lead to an internal war of polarization, which can activate feelings of being stuck and hopeless.
Trauma-informed methodologies such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) and NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) operate on the fundamental principle that:
Healing can occur once we understand and build relationships with the parts and survival strategies we have developed to navigate life
To do this, we have to explore perfectionistic tendencies with openness and curiosity, not with the intent to eliminate them. Although challenging at times, it is important to recognize that perfectionism is not trying to get in our way but, conversely, trying to help protect and serve an important function for us. A lot of times, when we can appreciate what perfectionism is trying to do, a softening can happen, which may lead to alternative possibilities and more space from perfectionism.
What IS Perfectionism Trying to Tell Us?
So we now know not to address our perfectionism like we were The Predator hunting down Arnold Schwarzenegger because that is a losing battle every time. Instead, it can be more effective to explore perfectionism with curiosity about what it does for us and WHY it is so deeply ingrained. Perfectionism can protect us in many ways we are not consciously aware of. For example, I have procrastinated for 2 weeks on this blog post because my perfectionism warned me that the flaws in my writing would expose my vulnerabilities to the world. My perfectionism told me, “don’t even try because if the blog is not perfect, others may deem you as an unfit therapist, uninformed, not intelligent”... and ultimately trying to prevent the risk of being rejected by society. In my eyes, that is a very big and important job, and I’m glad that this part of me is there. However, I did have to write this blog and needed space from perfectionism to complete the task. To have the space, I had to be open to receiving the wisdom that perfectionism was trying to communicate to me.
So what wisdom can perfectionism offer us if we slow down and really get to know what lies beneath?
For many, perfectionism can be a way:
-to instill a sense of control, especially in chaotic environments.
-help us feel safe in an otherwise unpredictable or dangerous situation
-receive the fundamental human need of love and connection when wounds of rejection or messages that our authentic selves are not okay or unwanted
-protecting us from the discomfort of failure and the risks of feeling worthless when we try again
Understanding how hard perfection works for us and what perfection is trying to protect us from can be a very impactful place of healing.
Start working with an IFS and NARM therapist in Highland Park and Los Angeles
Frequently, acknowledging the important role perfection plays in protecting our more vulnerable parts can be a step toward softening perfectionistic intensity and creating more space for something different. Reach out and schedule a brief initial consultation to see if this approach works for you!
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples, adults, and teens. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, Teen Therapy, ADHD Therapy, Group Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, Anxiety Therapy, Therapy for Autistic People, Depression Therapy, Premarital Counseling, and LGBTQ Affirming Therapy. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services!
Michael Hung is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist #154058, supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. He is trained in Internal Family Systems (Level 1) and in modalities rooted in a somatically based, trauma-informed approach, such as the Neuroaffective Relational Model (Level 2), Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO), and the Gottman Method.