Your inner critic isn't the enemy. It's exhausted
“If I’m not critical or harsh on myself, I will fall behind.”
As the oldest Asian sibling who grew up in Asia, I’m no stranger to this thought. In my past lives before becoming a therapist, when I worked in the entertainment and corporate worlds, I operated from this belief. And now, even in my anxious moments (therapists have bad days too!), this part of me slips into old habits because it’s the ‘safest’ way to motivate me to be better.
Based on what I’ve seen as a therapist working with fellow overachievers, especially with Asian folks in positions of power and privilege, I noticed 3 patterns as to why many of us have such a strong inner critic. I’m curious about whether any of the following stories resonate in your system:
You grew up experiencing your parents’ or elders’ relentless work ethic for noble reasons like providing for the family, so you feel guilty if you don’t surpass the foundations and expectations that they have laid for you with their labor and sacrifice.
You experienced racial and classist discrimination, ablelism, queerphobic and other types of marginalization, and you promised to yourself that you would work twice as hard to prove others wrong about people like you.
You always had an innate desire to be the best version of yourself, but even though people around you saw you as ‘too harsh’ or even ‘selfish’, you believed that a lack of discipline was a weakness, and kindness gave permission for others to take advantage of you.
In our modern world that preaches self-love and self-care, the instinct to just push aside the critical parts makes total sense. But by suppressing or ignoring parts of us, we tend to see them return stronger and more vicious when they sense an opportunity to re-emerge.
In IFS, we work with all parts of us - never against, but with.
When we partner with our managerial/controlling parts, they feel free from the burden of being the only competent one in the room and can be useful without being overbearing.
So how can we work with our inner critic?
Notice the part of you that has the critical voice or a harsh tone. How does she show up in your body? How does he speak to you? How do you feel when they are present in your system?
Stay curious and courageous. It’s just like getting to know a new person in front of you - bring your questions to this part of you. It’s not about interrogation and investigation, but rather building a connection to this part of you so that they know you’re not trying to get rid of them, but to actually learn more about their quirks and desires so that you can work with them to support them in achieving their goals.
Offer to work with this part. Sometimes our parts are ready for teamwork, and sometimes they aren’t as trusting yet. It’s okay for parts to say no, and it’s also okay for you to keep asking for permission - this part of you may have been running the show for so long that they may not feel confident to hand over the keys to the car.
Remind this part of you that compassion is more effective than criticism. At the core of a critical/harsh part, I believe they want the best for us - their intention is for you to stay motivated and hardworking, because they’ve seen the worst that can happen to folks who are left behind, and they don’t want that fear to become your reality. But I also want to remind this part of you that the feeling of fear traps and closes up a person to the fullness of life - after all, trauma constricts the imagination.
I’ve witnessed and experienced the power of authentic self-compassion in myself and my clients. Compassion is more effective than criticism at creating motivation, drive, and passion. Fear as fuel is a fire lit beneath you. The first few times, it moves you. After that, you either callous over and stop feeling it, or you spend your life standing, too scared to ever sit back down. But compassion as a motivator is like an internal flame that can never be put out - it’s warming to the soul and attractive to others to draw closer, and it’s safe because you are in control of the intensity.
Start working with an Asian American IFS therapist in Highland Park and Los Angeles
Being compassionate to yourself does not mean allowing narcissistic thoughts and putting on rose-tinted glasses over your shortcomings - it’s being able to fully see your flaws and your failures, and still have confidence and grace to know that you are not defined by your imperfections. In fact, true connection can only come from having compassion for yourself, because only then are you able to extend that genuine compassion for others as well.
Reach out to schedule a brief initial consultation to see whether therapy can help you integrate your upbringing with the deepest values of your adult life.
Other Services Offered at Therapy on Fig
At Therapy on Fig, we provide therapy services tailored to the unique needs of couples, adults, and teens. We offer Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy, IFS Therapy, Therapy for Empaths, Trauma Therapy, Couples Therapy, Teen Therapy, ADHD Therapy, Group Therapy, Therapy for Entrepreneurs, Anxiety Therapy, Therapy for Autistic People, Depression Therapy, Premarital Counseling, LGBTQ Affirming Therapy, and CPTSD Therapy. Whether you're seeking support for a specific issue or looking to strengthen your relationship overall, our therapists are here to help. Reach out today to learn more about our services!
Grace Chan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (#142670), supervised by Phillip Chang, LCSW #92156. She is trained in Brainspotting and Prepare/Enrich Premarital Counseling. She integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) with creative arts therapies to support individuals and couples in deepening their connection to themselves and each other. Reach out to learn more about our experienced therapists.