Blog

One of my favorite themes to explore with my clients is the experience of anger. Anger is a commonly misunderstood feeling and often gets a bad reputation. Some common beliefs we carry about anger are:

1. Anger is not allowed.

2. It's bad to feel angry.

3. Feeling angry reflects a personality trait or characteristic (i.e., I'm so out of control, I'm a mean person).

It can feel overwhelming or daunting when you think about working toward a goal or making a change in your life. You might tell yourself you’re not good, brave, or motivated. A common thing I hear my clients say is, “I wish I wasn’t so lazy. If only I wasn’t so lazy, I could ___.”

Many of my clients describe themselves as the emotional caretaker in their families. They're often known as the responsible, the mini-adult growing up, and the ones their parents confided in and depended on. They are parentified by their caregivers/parents in that they bear the weight of ensuring the happiness of the adults around them growing up.

Many clients come to therapy with an awareness of their tendency to self-blame, self-criticize, or self-sabotage. For many of us, the tendency to self-criticize isn't limited to professional achievements; it extends to our daily social interactions, dating, and relationships with friends and family.

Often, clients come to therapy seeking tools for how to “be more rational and less emotional.” We believe that unpleasant feelings are inconvenient or untrustworthy. Perhaps our families, cultures, or society have influenced us to assume that rational or logical thinking is more valuable or productive than sitting with a feeling, especially an unpleasant feeling.

Mental health has been getting a lot of attention these days, in questions around the impact of a global pandemic on mental health, celebrity news, and Tik Tok, to name a few. Increased discussion around mental health creates opportunities to de-stigmatize diagnoses, but it can also lead to more pathologizing and further create unhelpful stereotypes like “that’s so borderline,” or “you’re being bipolar.”

What I share with clients is that in our time together therapy isn’t focused on finding ways to get rid of the parts of yourself that are depressed, anxious, or grieving — in fact it’s focused on gaining a deeper understanding of all parts of yourself. By understanding who we are when we are depressed, anxious, or grieving we give ourselves the opportunity to be in relationship with these parts. Through this relationship, we create room and the possibility to ask those parts to take up less space and less control over our lives.

It is often difficult for us to navigate our internal emotional conflicts. We may feel excited about all the possibilities of being a new grad, but also feel overwhelmed by the uncertainties ahead; we may feel a strong desire to please family members but also feel resentful towards them because of that very people-pleasing urge.