We all know conflict is an unavoidable and even healthy part of intimate relationships. Standing up for ourselves fosters self-esteem, asking for what we need improves self-efficacy and self-confidence, and learning to tolerate discomfort while speaking our truth encourages a braver and more honest connection with our partner. However, conflict provides another, deeper benefit: it reveals our subconscious stories (i.e., beliefs) that we were previously unaware of.
Read MoreBecause shame can feel so overwhelming, our first instinct might be to avoid it. Maybe you react angrily to perceived criticism or rejection, fearing your shame will be revealed. Perhaps you shut down and withdraw yourself from the person bringing out your shame. Whatever the response, these are examples of protective mechanisms that help to shield us from our shame. However, perceiving shame as just one aspect of our emotional experience is helpful.
Read MoreIn and outside the family, when well-behaved and mature are reinforced over time by well-meaning adults through praise and/or a lack of discipline, it can cause children to associate their value with being “easy” and, by extension, not having needs and being self-sufficient.
This can bring a sense of not feeling free to engage in carefree play, heightened anxiety around making mistakes, and struggles with vulnerability.
Read MoreNarcissism is a complex and broad term, the cause of which can be varied. Some posit that the overvaluation of children from their parents leads to a deficit in self-reflection and empathy. However, it has been widely noted that narcissism can function as a protective mechanism against self-conscious emotions such as shame and guilt. It could come from being constantly shamed or criticized as a child, leading to unbearable feelings that can be temporarily reduced with narcissism.
Read MoreAs an HSP, you bring many gifts into your friendships. Some of these are a sense of attunement, conscientiousness, and empathy, allowing you to connect in rich, powerful ways with those in your life. These qualities that allow for deep connections may also be factors in those overthinking spirals that can feel tough to escape.
Read More“How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?” This is one of the most commonly asked questions I hear, especially as a therapist who works with adult children of immigrants and highly sensitive folks. Setting boundaries is hard work; you’re implementing a change to alter a long-standing dynamic.
Read MoreThere are many addictive behaviors we are quick to label and judge as such - alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling, etc. However, things become more complicated when it comes to our day job. What happens when our source of livelihood also becomes the source of our mental and emotional suffering?
Read More…whenever you notice a particular feeling, belief, energy, or tendency in yourself, it might be worth exploring if it might be a generational pattern.
Some practical questions to ask yourself:
"When did I develop this feeling or belief? Or does it feel like it's just always been there?"
"Who else in my family had this feeling, belief, or tendency? Do I see this in my grandparents or extended family as well?"
"Is this my feeling, or is it theirs?"
Mixed emotions come with even the most joyous of shifts.
When this reality goes unacknowledged, we can feel ashamed of our fears, disorientations, grief, etc. Being curious about the different emotions in us helps us move forward.
In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, author William Bridges writes,
"... change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. So it is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you must go through to incorporate any of those changes into your life."
Read MoreIt's common to feel trapped and dissatisfied in your job. Perhaps you find your work unfulfilling or unimportant, you're in a toxic and unsupportive work environment, or your job demands too much time. You may be interested in trying something new but concerned about the job market, so you stay put. Many legitimate factors may prevent someone from leaving their job. But before you give up, I encourage you to be curious about your situation and consider what is at the root of your dissatisfaction.
Read MoreMaking decisions is hard. You've made the pros and cons list and talked to trusted friends, family, and your therapist. You've even tried flipping a coin. But yet, you're still not sure. A judgemental part is beginning to show up around your inability to decide, and you're left paralyzed.
Do I stay in this relationship?
Do I take another job?
Do I try medication?
Do I go down a different career path?
Read MoreAs we grow and move through different seasons, it's natural for our interests, values, and goals to shift. A common shift not often addressed is a shift, change, or deconstruction in faith. Deconstructing your faith and belief system can be confusing, jarring, and emotional. You formerly held a clear framework for how to make sense and meaning of most things - yourself, your relationships, your purpose in life, and the world around you.
Read MoreGrief can feel relentless.
“A part of me feels exasperated.”
“It’s so unpredictable and comes out of nowhere.”
“A part of me feels confused. One day I feel fine and then I feel so lost.”
“Grief is painful. It feels neverending.”
If you’ve ever said something similar in the midst of loss, it’s common to wonder if there is a solution for grief or a way to end or stop it.
Read MoreWhile the therapeutic relationship is unique in many ways, it is still a relationship between two humans. Because of this, you are bound to experience a range of feelings during your work together.
Here are some examples of common scenarios that might elicit emotional responses toward your therapist:
Read More1. Feeling unfulfilled signals boredom and under-stimulation.
2. Feeling unfilled is signaling misalignment with your core values.
3. Feeling unfulfilled signals a lack of purpose and a sense of potential.
Read MoreRecently, I have noticed a few themes coming up with my clients who describe themselves as a “giver” “empath” or “helper.” Those of us who identify with these roles in relationships often feel obligated to provide something to our friends, family members, coworkers, and partners.
Read MoreThroughout life, we develop relationships, attachments, and emotional bonds with people, communities, animals, places, things, and the roles we come into. Whenever these bonds are broken or severed—whether intentional, anticipated, or unexpected—we experience loss and grief.
Read MoreYou want something about your relationship with your sibling to change
This might look like this:
-A desire to develop more closeness and honesty
-A desire to confront problematic behaviors and how they impact you
-A desire to take on more or less shared responsibility within your family
Read MoreOne of my favorite themes to explore with my clients is the experience of anger. Anger is a commonly misunderstood feeling and often gets a bad reputation. Some common beliefs we carry about anger are:
Anger is not allowed.
It's bad to feel angry.
Feeling angry reflects a personality trait or characteristic (i.e., I'm so out of control, I'm a mean person).
Attachment theory and attachment styles have been getting a lot of attention lately. Often, people come to therapy acknowledging that they may have an avoidant attachment style and/or avoidant tendencies. Some common things I hear from these clients are:
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