Life can be hard to navigate in the best of times, but as most people would agree, these are not the best of times. Depending on the intersection of privileged and marginalized identities we hold, our experiences right now might range from chaotic to destabilizing to truly unsafe.
When we experience uncertainty and threats to our safety, our protective parts naturally activate because it's their job to shield us from external threats and internal pain that can overwhelm us.
Read MoreIf you are struggling with disordered eating, your relationship with food and/or exercise has likely become a relentless cycle of control, guilt, and shame. You may feel a deep sense of not feeling "good enough."
Beneath the surface behaviors—whether it's restriction, bingeing, over-exercising, or purging—lie common core themes that often emerge in therapy: a deep sense of unworthiness, perfectionism, fear of failure, and an overwhelming need for control in the face of internal chaos.
Read MoreMany of my clients are struggling in their careers. Some have their “dream job” but grapple with long-held expectations that do not match reality. Others hold sought-after creative roles that feel stifling and antithetical to the creative process. Some feel trapped by “golden handcuffs” – they earn a great salary but are always on call, making work/life balance impossible to achieve.
Read MoreRelational trauma occurs when the people we trust most—those we look to for safety, stability, love, validation, and security—are also a source of significant psychological harm. This kind of trauma most often occurs in childhood from our caregivers but can extend into adulthood, particularly with romantic partners.
Read MoreAttachment injuries refer to emotional wounds that occur when a trusted individual fails to provide you with support, care, or protection during a time of need. Attachment injuries often arise from experiences of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, or neglect by your parents, caregivers, or romantic partners. In my experience, we all have an attachment wound, albeit of varying degrees, because no childhood is perfect. But when these wounds disrupt your sense of safety, trust, and connection that are foundational to healthy relationships, they can often develop an insecure attachment.
Read MoreWhen we feel powerless, our internal system develops protective mechanisms as a survival strategy. These protective parts emerge with the noble intention of preventing future harm, manifesting in a wide spectrum of behaviors. What might appear on the surface as problematic—whether it's perfectionism, people-pleasing, excessive caretaking, or more extreme responses like addiction and self-harm—are actually sophisticated survival strategies developed by our internal parts to shield us from potential pain.
Read MoreThe term “life transition” may bring to mind the sudden, dramatic shift into the great unknown we endure as young adults. But life transitions take many forms and happen at every stage of life. Common examples include pursuing higher education, moving, changing careers, getting married, getting divorced, becoming a parent, and retiring. Such turning points tend to evoke an array of emotions that can be overwhelming.
Often, people turn to therapy for help managing their overwhelm. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic modality that is particularly well-suited to navigating life transitions in two ways: through Parts Work and Self Leadership.
Read MoreIn Internal Family Systems (IFS), these protective coping mechanisms are called protectors—aspects or parts of our personalities that help us stabilize and/or soothe so that we hopefully navigate life with more ease and an increased sense of safety.
Read MoreLiving with ADHD presents unique challenges that can impact various aspects of life. From struggling with time management to navigating social interactions, ADHDers often face a complex web of internal and external pressures. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate and effective approach to addressing these challenges, helping individuals with ADHD develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their experiences.
Read MoreHave you wished your partner did things differently, whether that meant being more open with you or spending more time with you or something else entirely, and you kept getting hit with disappointment after disappointment because your wishes simply weren't coming true?
If so, your relationship might be impacted by resentment.
Read MoreEven though we may intend to show up completely authentically with our therapist (and we may wholeheartedly believe we are doing this), our protectors might be taking up more space than we realize. The part of us that seeks out therapy may not be the one that sits in the therapy room. The part of us who really needs to be heard may not be the one doing the talking. It's unrealistic to assume that our protective parts would suddenly relinquish control, even if we genuinely connect with our therapist.
Read MoreAs we enter this season and the complex web of feelings it can bring up for us around family, what would it look like to reflect on your expectations, longings, disappointments, and hopes? We must clarify what we're bringing in before we think about how we want to interact, the boundaries we may wish to set, etc.
Read MoreSelf-pathologizing is the act of diagnosing or labeling oneself with mental health issues without proper evaluation. It assumes some deficit in the individual without considering nuances of their past experiences or environmental factors. It makes sense that it would feel validating to find a label that fits our symptoms, as our brains love categorization and fitting us into neat boxes. However, it can also lead us down a path of self-limitation and unnecessary distress.
Read MoreIntellectualization is a subtle protective part of us that can arise inside and outside the therapy room. It can feel extremely illuminating and empowering to gain an intellectual understanding of our inner world. With so much more emphasis on self-help and therapy in the greater discourse, it’s become easy to believe we are “doing the work” by thinking, learning, and understanding. There is a crucial caveat: in pursuing intellectual insight, we may unknowingly distancing ourselves from emotion.
Read MoreYou may have grown up in a culture where you were told that anything fun was a waste of time. As an Asian American child of immigrants, I was often told that play was allowed only after being productive. Play was viewed only as a luxury or reward, and engaging in play any other time was considered a waste. As a millennial, I’ve half-joked with friends that our generation feels pressure to monetize our hobbies for them to feel worthwhile.
Read MoreWe all know conflict is an unavoidable and even healthy part of intimate relationships. Standing up for ourselves fosters self-esteem, asking for what we need improves self-efficacy and self-confidence, and learning to tolerate discomfort while speaking our truth encourages a braver and more honest connection with our partner. However, conflict provides another, deeper benefit: it reveals our subconscious stories (i.e., beliefs) that we were previously unaware of.
Read MoreBecause shame can feel so overwhelming, our first instinct might be to avoid it. Maybe you react angrily to perceived criticism or rejection, fearing your shame will be revealed. Perhaps you shut down and withdraw yourself from the person bringing out your shame. Whatever the response, these are examples of protective mechanisms that help to shield us from our shame. However, perceiving shame as just one aspect of our emotional experience is helpful.
Read MoreNarcissism is a complex and broad term, the cause of which can be varied. Some posit that the overvaluation of children from their parents leads to a deficit in self-reflection and empathy. However, it has been widely noted that narcissism can function as a protective mechanism against self-conscious emotions such as shame and guilt. It could come from being constantly shamed or criticized as a child, leading to unbearable feelings that can be temporarily reduced with narcissism.
Read MoreMaking decisions is hard. You've made the pros and cons list and talked to trusted friends, family, and your therapist. You've even tried flipping a coin. But yet, you're still not sure. A judgemental part is beginning to show up around your inability to decide, and you're left paralyzed.
Do I stay in this relationship?
Do I take another job?
Do I try medication?
Do I go down a different career path?
Read MoreAs we grow and move through different seasons, it's natural for our interests, values, and goals to shift. A common shift not often addressed is a shift, change, or deconstruction in faith. Deconstructing your faith and belief system can be confusing, jarring, and emotional. You formerly held a clear framework for how to make sense and meaning of most things - yourself, your relationships, your purpose in life, and the world around you.
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